A Beautiful Mess

Christmas can really leave you feeling kind of,well, scrooge like! John and I work and work all month getting "ready" for Christmas. There are lights to put up, a tree to trim, old toys to go through to make room for new ones, gifts to buy and wrap, food to make, a house to clean, by the time the 25th rolls around you are exhausted to say the least. To top it all off, all that effort seems like it was in vain, by the time the 26th is here, the house looks like a wreck! I am really not kidding about this either. I can barely concentrate today just thinking about all I now have to do.

The house looked really gorgeous with all the decorations up, did I mention I LOVE our tree this year? The trees in the kids room were so pretty too. All of our gifts were finally wrapped beautifully under the tree after our marathon on Christmas Eve/Christmas morning. The doll house was built. The bathrooms were sparkling. The ham was ready. Finally, Christmas can come. It did just that, came and went. We even had (still have) family in from Miami, so there are currently 6 kids under 6 with us! We can definitely see the impact of the the kiddos too. Last night while I was exhausting my last little bit of energy trying to "tidy" up I realized I needed to get over it. Who the hell cares about all the mess. As picked up I saw so much beauty in all of it. It first hit me when I came across the children's pajama's.

• As I picked up mounds of clothes, I neatly folded the kids Christmas PJ's from the nights before. They were matching ones, they were so adorable! First were Tyler's. The bottoms were so long, he is so big I thought. This was his 7th Christmas, it was so surreal. Then came Gen's same PJ, smaller size, but still, the pants were long, reminding me of how tall they are getting, yet these were little. Gen is so petite. Lastly came Belle's. The smallest of the three, but she is so tall that the top can probably fit Genesis. There laid 6 matching pieces. I remembered their smiling faces, lighting up on Christmas morning in their matching PJ's. They were too sweet. I didn't put them in the laundry, I left them on the chair in my room. I just wanted to look at them.
• I then attempted to clean up the playroom a little bit. No way though, it was quite the feat. What a mess! Not with new toys though, the old ones. I tried to tip toe through the endless piles of their treasures. Did what I could, didn't make a dent. Then I smiled. The reason it was torn up is because the kids and their cousins had a sleep over the day after Christmas. There were 5 cuties on the floor in their sleeping bags. It was the cutest site ever. They watched movies, played with flashlights, ate popcorn, threw crap at each other, and were up until about 3AM. WOW! John and I listened in for about an hour through their monitor. We were cracking up at the things they were saying and doing when no one was looking. They are good kids, they deserved that time together. Bonding. Playing. Growing Up. What memories they built right there on that covered floor. I was happy for them!
• Whew, moved on the Ty's room. Just a week before it was all neat and tidy, his tree sparkling on his dresser. Now his new toys lined the floor and his train table. I saw big boy toys now. A flat screen TV, DVD player, DSi, books that he can now read to himself, games, etc. Still his passion however, dinosaurs! Lots of them scattered about. There is my baby I said to myself! There he is right there in Dino Land as he calls it. On the way out I turned off the light, and looked in one more time, made me tear up a bit. There was his train table and Thomas the Train bed, two things he desperately wanted a few years ago, and now the two things he is wanting to get rid of and trade for a big boy loft bed.
• On to the girls room. Double Trouble! This pretty pink room has clothes galore. The joys of being a girl starts young! There were clothes everywhere! That was all I was able to pick up! I then stacked their new toys in two different piles, one for each daughter. I felt happy in this room. I wanted to play with Gens new baby station, and her Hanna Montana dancing game, I wished I fit into her new pink cords. I chuckled at the two different piles, two girls yet worlds apart. Mickey stuff for Bella, and Rock Star things for Gen. Bella got a new Ariel doll, boy is she cute, I cant wait to open that one with her tonight. Their tree is lovely, adorned with a Princess tree skirt and ornaments, it is pink of course. Gen still loves it, Bella calls it the Little Mermaid Tree. I am grateful they get to share these sorts of things and memories. I just feel good in their room, and it feels good to know that they do too.
• Downstairs I washed Christmas platters, put away Christmas mugs, threw away left overs, and emptied the dishwasher only to fill it again. I hate picking up the kitchen, always have, especially after an "event"! The mess meant however that my family was over for Christmas. All of us together one more time. There were plenty of times this year I thought my Mimi would not be here for this one. She was though, and she was marvelous. She came in feeling nauseous from her meds, but she made every ones Christmas. The kids loved what Santa left at Mimi's house. That is where Ty's TV came from (this was at the top of his list, and his damn TV is nicer than mine!), and a Doll House for Gen that is almost triple her size, she can not reach the top story! My Mimi, Mom and I enjoyed our Christmas mugs, sipping coffee and eating pastries on Christmas day while that mess surrounded us. At that moment I didn't care about the mess, so why should I care about it that day? I stopped grunting and did what I could.
• There are like 5 trash bags on my porch (sorry but it was way too cold to walk them to the garbage cans) it saddened me a bit because I work so hard to wrap each gift just so. I laughed at that because there sat all my ribbons and bows in a trash bag. Just like John warned me they would. I didn't care, they made someone happy that morning and that is all that mattered anyway.
• I then put away all the sheets that were left in the family room. My sister and her husband from Florida slept on the pull out the night before. They were cold and used every last blanket and throw I owned. I neatly folded them up and went to the linen closet downstairs to put them away, I found the greatest Christmas present for myself in there. I keep all the blankets on the top shelf. We use them on movie nights and when we are talking on the couch etc. When Isabella was a baby I kept receiving blankets for her in there too. I always kept one in her swing as well. The day it was time to pack that swing up I took her light pink receiving blanket with tiny polka dots on it and tossed it in a pile to wash with the rest of her blankets. When I eventually got to that pile I took a big sniff of that blanket and I can still remember the baby smell, and the Dreft. At that very moment I folded that one back up and tucked it away at the very bottom of my blanket shelf. Since they used every last blanket, you guessed it, there was MY treasure. My hands were full of blankets, and I barely reach the top shelf anyway, It simply didn't matter. I tossed those neatly folded blankets on the ground and grabbed the receiving blanket. It smelled just as I remembered it. I sat on the the now messy blankets (once more) on the floor and just breathed that baby smell in. DELICIOUS!!! I was in the middle of a beautiful mess, and I didn't give a crap. I took a minute or two, then folded and put those blankets up again. I thought about washing and putting away that receiving blanket , but of course, I didn't. I am sure I will run into that blanket again one day at the bottom of the stack. I just hope it will still smell just as good. I think of it as putting away a little gift for myself for next winter. What a treat.

Our home is still a mess, it is a beautiful Christmas mess. This was a very Merry Christmas for all of us, even with all of its obstacles. I am so lucky to know some great people, and so blessed to have my family with me. I am thankful for life, my children, and will count our blessing as we kiss 2009 good-bye. I hope all of you had a great Christmas and I wish all of you the most beautiful Christmas mess EVER!

With love, and arms spread wide apart,
V

Things That Make Winter Worth It

• Little girls in tights and Mary Janes ♥
• Sweater slipper boots ♥
• Long awaited sweater boots ♥
• Cuddling at parades ♥
• Hot chocolate ♥
• Starbucks or Caribou White Choc Peppermint Mocha ♥
• Crackling Fires ♥
• Christmas Movies ♥
• The smell of pine ♥
• Fleece blankets ♥
• Little boys in toboggans ♥
• Cold baby noses ♥
• Waiting for Santa ♥
• Christmas ribbons in my daughters' hair ♥
• Family time ♥
• Planning Summer vacations ♥

Us on Bella, 2 Years Later

I just can't believe that our little Isabella Grace is now 2 years old! She has got to be the happiest little thing ever. Bella brings endless volumes of smiles and joy to our lives. For her 2nd Birthday "she" chose a Mickey Mouse party. We had her grandparents and aunts and uncle, and cousin over and she had a ball! Bella loves balloons and there were plenty, all over the place, for her she had a huge birthday cake and I made Alton Brown's mac and cheese, (her favorite) and she loved it!

It is unimaginable that she has been a part of our lives for 2 whole years, it goes by so fast! I can still remember bringing her home, I was so anxious at how I was going to make her part of the inseparable Tyler and Genesis tag team. While it may have been rocky at first, everyone is just in love with the baby of the family, she is- and will always be- rotten! None of the Lara's would have it any other way of course.


TY ON BELLA:

Since the moment he laid eyes on her Tyler has loved his baby sister. He could not wait to meet her at the hospital, he instantly smiled, and he held her tiny little hand. Tyler always wanted to help with the baby, he would tap her little butt when she was crying in her bassinet, he would put her paci back in her mouth, or run to get John or I when she woke up. Tyler is a great big brother. He always says "Mommy, if we have another baby it better be a boy, I just can't take care of another little sister". He has made it his role to take care of these girls, and that is what he does. When he talks to Bells he changes his voice and talks to her so gently. Tyler thinks Bella is so funny, and that she is!! She is always making these funny faces and she will do just about anything to get us to laugh, she loves the attention. Dinner time is a treat with Bella, she keeps us rolling in laughter, her big brother is always her supporter. "Look at Bella", "Look at Bella" he says! He adores his baby sister and she really adores him too! When I asked him what he would like to say to Bella on her birthday, he said: " Happy Birthday Bella, I promise to play "supermarket" with your new gifts, (which he has!!) I love you and you are funny!"



GEN ON BELLA:


Gen has really grown up since Isabella has been born. In the beginning she was really jealous of Isabella. I remember Gen turning the TV volume up as far as she can get it to drown out Isabella when she was crying as a newborn! Funny now, not so much back then! The tables have now definitely turned, I think Isabella is quite fond of her sister and now she is the one jealous of Gen. If Gen gets near myself or John, Bella will get really mad and swat her off of us, or say "my spot", "my spot" until she moves away from us. Bella looks up to her big sister and Gen is happy to show her the way. Gen is quite the little mommy now. Gen helps Bella at the play ground, or anywhere in public and she is always looking out for her baby sister. She used to call her Bella Bellisima, she still says her baby sister is beautiful. I asked Genesis what she would like to say to Isabella for her birthday...here it goes....."Bella you are funny, and you are pretty, you have to be a little more quiet though, Happy Birthday, I love you!" (they both do think she is funny, and I would have to definitely agree).


JOHN AND I ON BELLA:

John: Can you say smitten? I love the look in Johns eyes when he looks at Bells. He has a special place for all three kids, but a special bond with his baby doll. In part it is because John has been laid-off an entire year and has been her care-taker. Bella is Johns Snuggle Buddy, shopping partner, helper, and everything else you can imagine. They do it all together. We feel so blessed that he was able to spend this critical time of growth with our daughter. We can never get this year back, but it is OK, she was able to get so much out of it and that is irreplaceable.


Me: I will have to blog about this later some other time. For now I will just say, that Bella takes my breath away. Entirely. She is gorgeous, funny, sweet, and everything little girls are made of. It is bittersweet to see her turn two. Our "baby" is no longer a baby, she is growing up by the minute. I have to cherish every moment that I have and relish it. Isabella is such a sweet heart, she loves her brother and sister, her Daddy, and I am so lucky to have her love as well. It is unconditional. I cannot imagine our lives without her. She fits in seamlessly in the special spot that was always saved just for her. Sure, she knows how to work the baby thing to her benefit, and I say, kudos to her. That is OK with us. We love you baby girl, more that words can ever say!!

Our Soundtrack

On November 21st John and I celebrated our 11th year of marriage. With the craziness of my job, his unemployment, battling the flu, Thanksgiving, etc, we really didn't do much to celebrate. That is OK with me because we celebrate us all the time, whenever we can, not just one day a year, and that is actually the way I prefer it.

November 21st, 1998, we signed up to a life devoted life to one another, we declared we would beat the odds, prove people wrong, grow together, start a family, laugh, live and share. We have done that all these years and I look forward to continuing it. Him and I, Mr. and Mrs. Lara, and I like the sound of that. (so much so, that maybe I will finally make that my official name in the 12th year)

One thing that I did do for our anniversary, on my own, was take a tour of us in my mind, just personally reminiscing. Funny how every memory can be set to a song almost, if you pay close attention. Whether it be a song on the radio, a download on the Ipod or part of our CD collection, it dawned on me that without meaning to, we have set our entire lives to music. After so many years together a song will come on and it will take me back to when John and I ........... or we heard that when we went to..........etc. Funny how you may not notice that your mind captured that note, but it does, and it uses those notes to take you back every time.

There are many, many, that I can add to this list, but these are some of my highlights. It was so hard to just pick one for each year, so sometimes there are more. They may not hold too much meaning here in writing, but each one makes me smile or shed a tear. Each song takes me back to a place I want to be able to revisit whenever I wish. Most of these stick out in my mind because I relate them to something. Though not my favorite thing to listen to, a lot of these are country songs. Country songs contain great stories and lyrics and somehow apply really well. Each song different, each a part of our personal soundtrack.

1998 From This Moment- Shania Twain
Our wedding song. We had just left Miami and move with my family to the mountains of NC, so we opted for a country song, with PERFECT lyrics.

1999 Miami- Wil Smith
We missed home, A LOT, when this song was released. We were determined to make NC our new home anyway though. In 98 we moved from Miami, FL to the mountains of NC. We then relocated from the mountains of NC to Cary, NC. We still miss Miami, but love where we now call home.

2000 Steal My Kisses- Ben Harper
Though one of his "poppier" tunes, this is the song that introduced us to Ben Harper. We went to his concert in 2000 by chance and Harper had so much more to offer. It was a great show, and we became big fans on that night. The second line of the song says:
"And since your headin' up to Carolina, You know I'm gonna be right there behind you" I hold that line so near to my heart, because had John not decided to drop and leave everything behind for me, we would not be where we are today. I did head to Carolina, and he was right there behind me. I wonder if he knows that is why I actually love this song?

2001 Bring on the Rain- Jo Dee Messina (with Tim Mcgraw)
An amazing and powerful song. Can't rain be so therapeutic and cleansing? 2001 was probably our bumpiest year and this quickly became my anthem. Great song to let out some tears to, wipe them off your face, and get back up feeling empowered. Some of 2000 and 2001 are years I thought I would always want to soon forget, but now I realize it is part of who we are today. Much to my surprise, I don't think I would trade it.

2002 Amazed- Lonestar
After a year and a half of hard emotional times things were definitely getting better. John sang this song to me once, and I melted. He sings this one well at karaoke and such. Always gives me the butterflies in the stomach feeling. Never thought I could feel that special and that is what this song is, special! Speaking of special, this year gets 2 songs. My cousin got married in June of 2002 and his wedding song was Its Your Love- Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill. John and I gave each other a look when it came on because it is another "special" one. Another one that reminds me of us. It was a great night and a beautiful sea side Miami wedding.

2003 The Day (You Gave Me a Son)- Babyface
Tyler Jon Lara was born 06/18/2003, so this year gets several songs. First child, big year! The Babyface one above, if you have a son yourself, this one may make you tear up. There is no greater gift than a child, when I hear this I am reminded that I had a part in his making, well I know, a BIG part, but the thing is I am just so thankful for him (all my kids) that I don't really think of it that way. I love that I was able to give Mr. Lara a son. John always makes us video collages, and he made one of Tyler for his first year. It was from the day he was born throughout that first awesome year, and it was set to When I See You Smile- Bad English, and that disc makes us both cry, every time. John says this song is how he felt about Tyler that entire first year, and this oldie is so meaningful now. Really, if you don't take the time to read any of these lyrics, do look back at this one. Last but not least, Danny's Song- Kenny Loggins. Yes, weird, I know, but this is what I sang to Tyler when he was a baby, for whatever reason, mainly the part that says: "In the mornin' when I rise Bring a tear of joy to my eyes And tell me everything's gonna be all right". While John sang mainly the Winnie the Pooh song, ha.

2004 No Women No Cry- Bob Marley
Genesis Nicole Lara was born 08/06/2004. Another BIG year! Gen was a big cry baby, really big, always mad about something. I think she cried that entire first year. Naturally, John would sing some Marley to her at 3AM, whatever worked, but seeing him rock and sing this to her was the best part of my day sometimes; even through the tears and sleepless nights. In 2004, John, Tyler and I moved into our first home three months before Gen was born. Of course, I have a song that in a twisted way reminds me of that too. It is a silly song that I used to like because I thought it was so funny, it is Itty Bitty- Alan Jackson, but for this year, that song seemed appropriate, 2004 was a great year!

2005 You and Me- Lifehouse This is right about when life started to go really, really fast for us. A blur almost. Lifehouse I really enjoy, and this song brings me back to what mattered. Nothing can make time sit still for me and restore my being like John can. This song is a good reminder of my safe place. There is actually one more Lifehouse song that John and I like, and this one too helps me keep my head in a great place, Hanging by a Moment- Lifehouse. When Tyler was a toddler he loved the movie Shark Tale, and the Bob Marley song, Three Little Birds , you know the one that says "every little thing is gonna be allright", nice simple song, and it makes all of us feel good!

2006 100 Years- Five for Fighting, Talk about a whirl wind, John turned 30 in 06. He didn't really take that so well. He never mentions, but I see the wheels turning when he hears this song. He really likes it and I feel like he relates to it. We both love this one, and it is just a reminder to cherish every moment. John also loves the song Its a Great Day to Be Alive- Travis Trit, everyone needs a feel good song or two, more so when you are turning 30 I suppose.

2007 In My Daughters Eyes- Martina McBride Isabella Grace Lara made her debut into our lives on 11/29/07. We now had two daughters! It was some kind of awakening! 2007 was all about daughters, and the shock that somehow we now had TWO, and that now it was my turn to be 30! When I was pregnant with Bella, and I was about to have my birthday, we went to go see Knocked Up, this movie hit home with everything going on in it, kind of like I was there, and at the end of the movie, the song was Loudon Wainwright's - Daughter, I loved it. The "daughter" songs were everywhere! This Martina McBride one I loved even before I met Bells, but wow, it is incredible. Every single line of this song TRUE and applicable for me, pretty wonderful lyrics. Then there is Daughters- John Mayer, My Little Girl, Tim McGraw, (which is also on the soundtrack to one of Gen's favorite movies Flicka), Cinderella- Steven Curtis Chapman, (such a sweet and true song).

2008 Somewhere Over the Rainbow- Iz and Everything- Michael Buble Nothing is better than belting out some tunes while in the car with the kids! Gen is quite the singer. It melts my heart to hear her sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow at the top of her lungs, especially this version, and when Tyler jumps in to join her, it is so cute! We also sing Everything together a lot. John came home one day in 2008, so eager to play a song for me, you can read the details here, and the song was Everything, it made him tear up, I will never forget that, and all of the Lara's love this song.

2009 Remember When- Alan Jackson That's what I did this past week...I remembered when. This song tells a lot of our story, with the exception of one thing it is all accurate, and true. There is not much to it but it leaves me kind of speechless. It is amazing when a song can do that. We have lived every verse of this song, and we are currently working on the last verse. I guess we will always be working on that. In the mean time, the sound of little feet is still the music we dance to week to week. The best part is that we get to dance together.

I love you Mr. Lara, Thanks for always playing our song. Happy Anniversary!

Pots of Gold

Rainbow:

1. multicolored arc in sky: an arc of light separated into bands of color that appears when the Sun's rays are refracted and reflected by drops of mist or rain. The colors of the rainbow are conventionally said to be red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet.

No matter where you seemingly position yourself on these "arcs", undeniably there will always be a pot of gold at the end of your rainbow, whether you are climbing to the top, or sliding on a strong downward spiral. Just look in that special place that is in all of us, there they are.

My Pots of Gold:

- Came home last week and John said he had a surprise for me. The house was spotless, so I thought that was it. He took me upstairs to my closet, all my clothes neatly hung up and shoes all in order. I looked a little closer and let out a big scream. There, in the center of perfect tidiness, lay my Rainbow sandals. John cracked up and thought it was a classic V moment.

-New baby, new life! Welcome to the world Liam Nash Collins. (this name will undoubtedly be in lights some day, way to go Mom and Dad, I LOVE your little man's name!!) Congrats to Matt and Tiffany. Enjoy every second of your new family and treasure. Liam is absolutely perfect!

- We have all been pretty sick this week, so after a long day at work I snuck upstairs to take a hot bath hoping no little people would follow me upstairs. I drew my bath, laid out some PJ's and was feeling pretty impressed at the silence. I jump in the tub, and in the distance I hear the pitter patter of little feet, albeit one of my favorites sounds, the silence was too. Amazingly my bathroom door doesn't open as I soak. Then I hear Genesis in my room, signing. I love to hear her sing when she doesn't realize anyone is listening. I had the best bath ever.

-Bella pushing her grocery cart all over the house.

-Tyler's first loose tooth.

-Yummy dinners made by my honey which we have all been enjoying together as a family.

-The fire in the leaves.

-Streets covered in leaves of all colors.

-Genesis and I doing a Hello Kitty Craft and coloring. We did this OUR way, which means we had our coffee mugs in hand and fluffy socks on our feet. Just her and I. It was perfect.

-Cuddling with Isabella. She is so petite, and the perfect little cuddle size.

-Tyler passing every single one of his times Math tests, with flying colors. I worry all day, just to come home and see 20/20 in big red ink at the top of his papers.

-Hot coffee.

-Watching John try to earn a "coin" on Mario Galaxy. Watching him grow frustrated as he unsuccessfully attempts it while Tyler and I give him hell. Then watching Tyler have to do it for him. Daddy just hasn't mastered the long jump technique and without it there is NO COIN.

- My bed.

What are in your Pots of Gold? Every rainbow has one!

XOXO,
V

Desperately Seeking Rainbows

Dear Rainbows,

I have searched high and low for you, and have no idea where you can be. I thought an ad may be a great way to find just what I am looking for.

I am a size 6, with cute toes, usually painted just so. I would enjoy a long walk with you this evening. You are also about a size 6, but a size Small is what I think you prefer to be called. You have a beautiful dark chocolate color to you and a double arch which is quite smooth. I am very lonely without you.

It is Fall now, and I would really like to see a Rainbow right about now. I love the Fall as you know, and we did everything together this time of year. Most people use you in the Spring and Summer, but we partied all year, with the exception of maybe sometime in December and January. Was I not good enough for you?

Your sisters are still with me. They are pink and sweet, but getting tired and old. I miss the ability to have a Rainbow that matches with everything, and were even practically new. Your sisters enjoy the attention but are seriously missing you as well. Your spot in the room you shared with them is waiting for you.

Did you leave me for another? Did I upset you? Or do you think I left you? Are you somewhere alone and scared wondering where I am? Did someone steal you from one of our adventures together? Did I leave you stranded?

Wherever you are, I miss you! My feet miss you! My sweatshirt and jeans miss you! I will not give up the search. I will search high and low until I find that pot of gold at the end of the Rainbows!

Desperately Seeking Rainbows,
Veronica

PS In case my "old man" is reading this and thinking of a replacement.....I like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, sorry I like Yoga, making love at midnight on the dunes sounds great, and I have half a brain. So find me the perfect Rainbow please. The perfect pair of Rainbow Flippy Floppies!! Anything short of a little desperate??

Love,
Veronica

Sophia Elizabeth

I am a slacker Blogger as of late. My extra time has been spent with my husband sipping adult beverages and catching up on us. With my kids picking Halloween costumes, decorating for Fall, and visiting Pumpkin Patches. It has been a busy but fun month. I LOVE FALL!!! Of course on "my" time I have been sipping those yummy Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks. I bought a very cute planner at the kids' book fair at Barnes and Nobles which I am in love with, and an even cuter Vera Bradley Coupon Organizer thing. The trick will be seeing if their cuteness entices me to use them. God knows I have to, keeping up with all of our appointments and school activities etc is getting to be quite the challenge in the Lara household. Anyhow, that is my recap in a nutshell.

In some amazing news, on September 21st I was able to see my niece Sophia Elizabeth, come into this world. My sister allowed me the honor to participate in the birth and it was an amazing experience. I will be honest, I was thinking a lot of things, which I am not sure if I should share, but I will anyway. Here are some of the voices in my head that night while I was witness to this incredible experience....(Vikki went in the to hospital at about 1am on September 21st, a Monday after laboring at home on and off on Sunday, and she was born at 7:07 AM)

• Wow, this is the first time I see my sister naked down south, this is so weird.
• OK, this is my little bratty sister, why isn't she screaming and yelling and falling apart on that bed? Bitch.
• What the hell is that? Oh My God, wait, that was me on that bed just two years ago....and then three years before that, and wait, only one year before that. Shit, I did this three times? In front of John and a male doctor? This can not be good. Shit, shit, shit.
• "You are going to break her water?" OK doc go right ahead, I am sleepy and I know when that water breaks there will be a baby a peaking. Break it, go on, do it. Oh no, wrong again, I should have turned around. That is some dirty water. Lots of it. The baby swims in that?
• Did you just poop?
• Nurse says "look at all this hair, take a look Auntie". I look and out loud say, "wait is that Vikki's or the baby's?" My bad, had I really done this three times? It surely wasn't evident.
• Aw, my little sister is so brave. She is engaging in conversation while a head peaks out of her girl. Now she is strong.
• "Tata" she says with sad eyes. "Yeah" I mumble. "The epidural really isn't working right now, at least not anymore." I respond, "I bet honey, when it is time, nothing works anymore." I am really thinking: "I mean you should see the size of that thing coming out of there, ain't nothing going to make you feel better."
• I become a better coach all of a sudden thinking of my own miracles..."Vikki, listen to me, don't lose it, you have done so well....." "Nothing will feel good now, that is until you get to hold your beautiful daughter in just a little while" She tears up. I tear up. She breathes through a contraction, and looks at me as if saying, all right, game on. Same glare she had in her eyes as a kid when we were competing in a sport or a shopping spree (those shoes are mine bitch kind of look, come on you know the one) And it was on. Her Mommy Game was in full force, that game face of hers, UNBREAKABLE! I knew it would be time.
• About 15 minutes later, not even, Sophia made her entrance into this world. Vikki didn't have to push much, but when she did, she gave it her all. She is sometimes laid back and lazy by nature, I think that was an asset in this case. In her little mind she must have been like, "well, don't expect me to do this much longer, it is now or never". And she was off. Efficiently pushing life out of her body. No cursing, just concentration. I held her leg and she gave it all she had. Then there appeared this tiny little wet body that I instantly loved, and then her Mommy looking at her so proud and relieved. It was miraculous and beautiful. I cried as I watched, and was shaking as I reached for the camera. She was so beautiful. Her and her Mommy both were at that very moment.

When Sophi arrived, I couldn't believe that although she wasn't my child, it was like if she was. I love her so much more than I thought I could. Maybe it was because I was there, maybe it was because Vikki and I are finally restoring our relationship and someone was looking out for us because I was there when it counted. I didn't miss this in her life. She was there for my first two births and we always talked about this day. There I was, there she was, and we aren't kids anymore just talking about it, so incredibly surreal.

Vikki gazed at her daughter for the first time, and it was so amazing to watch. Then the voice was back in my head, but now it was more forgiving. Now it reminded me:

• Of the tears in Johns eyes when he couldn't help me push, he wasn't looking at the nasty stuff, and if he was he didn't let me know it, but I knew that if he could do it for me, he totally would. How hard it must be for him to watch. Until helping Vikki, I never had this perspective.
• Reminded me what a full circle moment that must be for my Mom, to see her baby have her own baby. How crazy is that?
• I was reminded how for those hours, time stands completely still. The pain is unbearable but it doesn't matter. The worry is so great you can't even think, the reward so big you can't even begin to fathom it. Seriously, it is an elation of "nothing else matters". We are exactly where we are supposed to be for one of the few times in life. I remember pushing. Each time. Each time different. None of them easy. All of them the best me I ever put forward. Every time. Vikki put her best her forward too. I am so very proud of her.
• I realized how much harder it was to be on the "side" of the bed, rather than the one "on" the bed, enduring the events that took place. I wasn't going to stand there and say " I know it hurts", or "wait til this happens", or anything like that. So I stood there, wishing I could take her pain away. It was so hard to see her go through such feelings.

That's when the voice in my head got too loud, and I could have really cried out loud, but I didn't. I have said before how I remember the births of my children, and I do, but there is something about that first time. Vikki was going through that. I remember hearing Tyler cry. I remember his Daddy's face, so proud and in awe. I remember my Mommy's face. I remember trying to check him out. I could not believe that he was living inside of me. No way I got him out! But I did, just like she did, and as they say, the rest is history.

I hugged my kids tight that night. Enjoyed the smell of a newborn. Watched a living miracle right before my eyes. Listened to that beautiful new healthy cry. The one every parent wants to hear for affirmation all is well. Thought about how some parents heartbreakingly do not get to hear it. Thought about what it means to be a Mother. Thought about this unmeasurable miracle. Thought about how awesome it is to be a woman. September 21st was a good day. One that I will never forget.

Her initials are S.E.T. The advice I gave my sister that night was : "Ready or not here she comes little sis, ready, SET, go!" And to my beautiful niece I say, "Ready, SET, Go Sophia! The world is yours."

Welcome to the world Niecey Noodle.

We love you so much

Sophia Elizabeth Tollefsen!!

Sophia Elizabeth Tollefsen

9.21.2009

7:07 AM

7 pounds 10 ounces

19 3/4 inch long

Perfectly sweet in every way

Genesis Nicole

Genesis Is..........

Doodle.......I used to call her Doodle Bug...now it is just Doodle. Sometimes Princess Doodle.

"Beautiful Baby From the Outside In" .............. one of the many songs that her Daddy sings to her.

Nene................What Tyler and Isabella lovingly call her.

An awesome BIG sister, always there to help her baby sister. And an even more awesome LITTLE sister!

Tyler's Best Friend and Isabella's Role Model. Bella is always Nene this and Nene that....

A great singer. She loves to sing!! All the time! Sometimes unfortunately to Hannah Montana...but other times it is to Somewhere over the Rainbow which melts her Daddy's heart....or to one of his favorites (and hers too) Michael Buble.

A great dresser. She has amazing fashion sense for a 5 year old. Really amazing!

The loudest cryer I know! Seriously this girl can turn on the water works like nothing, and there is a loud wail to go with it. Nothing has changed, in the hospital the nurses took her for some tests and they kept returning her because she was screaming and couldn't do the hearing test! We were not allowed to take her until it was done and it took over three tries, over two days, she could be heard down the hall.

My little Drama Queen.

Very shy around people at first.

Helpful. So helpful. Her and I jam out to the radio and clean together, it is great fun! I mean she will do anything, pick up, dishes, load the dishwasher, and loves to do it.

Smart for a girl. In Ty's words not mine!! She will not let Tyler get too ahead of her, she tries to keep up with him as best she can. I know it secretly drives her insane that Ty can read and she can't quite yet. It is funny.

A pint-sized Julia Roberts. She has a smile that can light up the darkest of nights!

Good at pretending. She pretends to be my best friend, which she has named herself "Rachel". She can do this for hours.

Petunia. Just a word she likes and uses it often, especially when being silly. She calls us and Tyler that every once in a while. He just laughs at her. It is pretty cute in a silly way. Guess she completed her mission!

My soul mate and Daddy's baby girl.

My sleeping buddy, and boy can she cuddle!

A big fan of my good friend which I love like a little sister, and assitant at work Rachel. She cant wait to be older and she loves Rachel!! She loves her hair and clothes and apartment and college and on and on the list goes! She really looks up to her.

Our "Brown Eyed Girl". (another one she loves to sing!)

Italian I think, ha...she can tear up some Spaghetti and Meatballs.

The apple of her Grandpa's eye.

Grandma's Star.

A pony lover and a gymnast.

A Princess and a girly-girl. (one that can be so tough when need be though!)

A bit of a fibber at times; a stage we are hoping she gets out of soon!

My Starbucks partner. This year for her birthday she was able to go to the store and pick out her own gifts, among them was a hot pink, retro Barbie travel coffee mug! Really, what 5 year old picks that? So glad she did though, it is so cute I can totally borrow it! I love it!

Beautiful. Kind. Special. Clumsy. Loving. Caring. Thoughtful. Funny.

And best of all Mine!!

Genesis, I love you so very much Doodle! I know you had a wonderful birthday and we are so very proud of you in so many ways. I am so very proud to call you my daughter. Your name means new beginnings, and you are truly a new beginning for me in a lot of ways. Having a daughter was very new to me when I first held you in my arms that afternoon, but I knew nothing would ever be the same. It was definately a new beginning, one that I never want to end. I am so very lucky to have you Soul. You are amazing and I love you from the very depths of my heart, now and always. Continue to be YOU. You are perfect in absolutely every way possible.

Love Always and Forever,

Mommy, Daddy, Tyler and Bella

Been MIA

The days are really getting ahead of me yet again. In the past month this is what has been going on, you will see, I was MIA with good reason! These are random tid bits of my life now.......

• Genesis started Kindergarten ----- She did so much better than I ever imagined and I am so proud of her. She even earned Hedgehog of the week!! Gen has really been enjoying her new friends and teachers. Bittersweet as ever to let my little one go on that hard day. Her perfect little dress she picked herself, the cutest Hello Kitty lunch box and pack back, tiny sandals, and ribbon in her hair....awww heart breaking! I couldn't have asked for a better transition though. She is full of surprises this one!

• Tyler started 1st grade ------- He is loving his new class and teacher. He says to me "Mommy, she is young and pretty, and I know we will have lots of fun!" Gees, all true, the girl is super fit, young, intelligent (working on masters now) and beautiful, the class has 26 students, 18 of which are boys...I wonder how she will manage!! He is reading up a storm these days. He is such a big boy now, this teacher makes them write down all their assignments and such in an agenda. It is so amazing to see that he is getting the concept. He is only 6! I am 32 and can barely keep up with a planner.

(pics of first day of school to come soon)

• Vikki's shower has finally come and gone ---- She is about to have this baby any day now! I can't believe it! It has gone so fast and I will be an auntie again. SOOOO excited, this one is from my little sister ( I have a niece and nephew in Miami from my half sister which I adore but do not get to see much at all) The shower went great! She had everyone that loved her there, and my little sister looked absolutely radiant on that day. Absolutely gorgeous! I messed up though because I made her wear heels and she was super swollen for days after (she hasn't worn heels this entire pregnancy, and since I wore them almost every day all three times, I thought she could do it too) OOPS!!!

• Went to a breast feeding class with Vikki ----Breastfeeding is one of the most amazing, beautiful experiences ever. I loved doing it all the way through, it was very difficult at times as it requires the most ultimate commitment ever, but it went smoothly for my three babies and I. Incredible bonding and nutrition and healthy! Even pumped at work when I came back after 12 weeks, and I did great for eight months or so each time (did it for over a year with each, but I did supplement at the about 8 month mark) Anyhow, it was an honor that she wanted me to come with her. She wants to nurse and she looks up to the way that I did it, and has asked of my mentoring through her nursing experience. I am so pleased that she is giving her baby the greatest gift ever. I will be there to support her all the way through. One problem though....well for John, not for me, lol: (text messages)

John: You are sitting in a room full of titties. (don't mind his crude humor)

Me: Yes I am, but mine are still the biggest in here.

John: Yeah, those pregnant Moms have nothing on you. (is this supposed to be sweet?)

Me: Nope! This class is making me want another one so bad. Can we? What do you say?

John: Oh shit....I knew this would happen........ (classic)

• Genesis had her 5th Bday----- I will post a special blog for her soon!

• I had my 32nd birthday (oh the pain) -----seriously, NO NEED to revisit this one. Except my hubby got me some awesome shoes!! I took the day off and spent it with him and that was good enough. (It was also coincidentally the first day of school, that's right, for two years now I get to bitch about how old I am turning and then I have to give my babies up to the dreaded Kindergarten and cry all morning for two reasons!)

• Work has been kicking my ass ---- no really it has, and it needs to stop!

More soon........ Love and Luck!! ...............

Zen, Soul, Bear and LOVE

To the people that get me through....

Zen, I had a bad day yesterday, couldn't wait to get home. I got through the day thinking of our nap this weekend. Now that you are a big boy, I miss those special cuddle times. Throughout the day I held on to your sweet embrace. Can we do it again? When I finally got home, you invited me into your happy little 6 year old world, and suddenly there was peace. We played Mario Kart, oh how you like to show off! Your giggle is worth a thousand words. Your happy place is delightful. My special kiss for the day, dreamy! You left my spirit happy, my troubles at bay if only for a while. Twister was so much fun too! Thank you for making me so very happy Tyler! What did I do before you?

Hey Soul.... How are you? This morning I brushed your long beautiful brown hair. I took my time even though the clock was ticking. I dressed you in your pink polka a dot shorts and pink polo, hardly believing I was sending my little 4 year old girl to Kindergarten. You are so brave my girl. You were radiant even though you didn't feel well. I looked into your big brown eyes..they were filled with speckles of me throughout. I see me in you; I can see way down to your core. I feel your troubles and triumphs somehow, it is weird, but I enjoy the gift. I am thinking of you today, all day, but you will do great. You need the reminder now and again, but you ARE great Gen. You really are.

Bella Bear, you put your tiny hand in mine and I am taken to another place, wishing it stayed that small just a little longer. That smile of yours to melt over, those hugs that can make me tear up at the very thought. You are so very tiny in comparison to the world, just a tiny speck in the midst of such greatness, but you are one of the things that can make me feel so safe in it. I held on tight to you this morning, like a child's favorite Teddy Bear. Held on tighter when I realized that one day you too would be getting ready for school. I looked in to your bright eyes and felt all right. They can light up the darkest of places. That twinkle in them is priceless. I cant wait to get home and see them again.

All this because two people fell in love....how fortunate am I? I love you John. Can't wait to see you and hug you too. Everything is so perfect in our tiny space on earth. Our home so happy and full, I will concentrate on that, as I always do, and I know we will all be fine.

My Little Man is 6 Today!!

Happy Birthday Tyler!!

I cannot believe that my baby boy is 6 years old today! At 3:47 AM, six years ago, I had just endured endless hours of labor. I was exhausted from not eating in over 30 hours and from the pain and work that labor brought me. Yet in the still of the morning, my spirit was renewed, my life forever changed. The last 27 years didn't matter anymore. He was born, I was reborn. I was different, I was exactly where I needed to be for once in my life. Everything had substance, my eyes saw things in a different light. I would never go back.

"One last push" , the Dr. said, " before we take you in for a C-Section." Lights, camera, action, people everywhere ready to wheel me out. My mothers face blank, Johns face in awe. My heart heavy, had I endured these thirty plus hours for nothing? All was a blur, the seconds ticking. I braced myself. Took big breaths. Then silence. The doctor sang him a song when his head appeared, (sweetest thing ever frankly) then my last push. I was so tired, I pushed with more than I had to give, I don't know where it came from, but it did. (goes to show that a Mom can and will do whatever they can for their children, it starts at conception!) Then time stood still. Finally, the most beautiful cry I ever heard. First his, as he made his appearance, then mine as they placed his wet perfect little body on my chest, then my mothers as her life went full circle at that very moment. My adventure as a new Mom finally began thanks to the miracle of my perfect son.




Tyler you are the one that made me a Mommy. No one else can ever do that, you were the first one. Thank you for taking me on this journey. I love knowing that you love me, and even more, I love knowing that YOU feel loved. You smile, hug, tell me you love me often, pick me flowers, I know you think about me at school because you write about me in your journal entries all the time, and draw cute pictures of us. I know I mentioned your hugs, but wow your hugs are incredible! I feel them down to the core like nothing else. You give me kisses all the time, but once a day, every day, you give me my "special kiss" as you call it. I live for that second every day. You shake your arms, I bend down to your level, you flash me your incredible smile, and you lick your lips, and give me the best kiss I can ever dream of. Sometimes, more than one. Oh, yes and your skin, WOW. You play hard but your skin is the softest thing I have ever felt, your hands are so so soft, your cheeks even softer, you are 6 but you feel as soft as a baby.


Thank you for your love, even when I have made mistakes along the way. You make everything worth it. Thank you for teaching me so very much in such little time. You are the greatest teacher I have ever had. I am head over heels in love with you my sweet sweet baby boy. You mean love and bring Daddy and I so much joy. Happy Birthday Tyler!!

French Fries?

Last night I made the kids some Not-So-French-Fries. For anyone looking for something creative and cute to make for the kids, this is a winner.

I told Ty and Gen I was going to make them a special desert and they were very excited because this is not an everyday thing at home. When I was done I told them that I messed up the desert, and that I had made them some fries instead. They were so sad! I gave them their plates and they were saying "you made us fries?" with this heart broken look on their faces. Gen was pretty comical as she dipped her "fry" in her "ketchup" and realized that it wasn't exactly fries and ketchup. "Ttttyyyler this is not ketchup!" So cute!

So easy too! Just buy a frozen pound cake and let it thaw (we got a reduced sugar one and it was just fine), slice it up to look like fries, removing the dark brown edges. Then put them on a cookie sheet and into broiler on low for a little while, until a golden color. (keep a close eye because it happens pretty quickly). Flip them over and do the same on the other side. Remove when they look like fries! Mix red food coloring into vanilla icing, and just set the fries and ketchup on a plate and voila. I found the recipe on line and they served it in an actual french fry basket, and it looked even better, but we didn't have those on hand, and I think the little plates worked just fine.

This was an easy treat for a work day when I felt like doing something different and special for them. It is the little things that count, I can see it in their eyes when I do little things like that, that it just means something to them. This was too cute to not post! Next time they have friends over I am going to make these again, they will be so proud! This was surely a young child pleaser. Let me know if any of you try them on your little people.

Oh, and no icing for Bella, but she loved the pound cake, I was glad she was able to join in on the munching fest!

He's Just Not That Into You

I was so excited to watch this movie, but it ended up frustrating me mostly. What a shame too, it started strong for me. I love the opening narration about how we have things programmed in our minds since we are little girls....the quote was “We are all programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk that means he likes you.” I think this was somewhere around the time where they show a little boy being very mean to a little girl at the playground and the Mom tells her that he acted that way because he liked her. That was so true, that we are taught that

from the start!

I ended up staying awake until 2 AM to finish it, and then it kept me up for at least another hour, just thinking. It made me think of my daughters and all they will face in the all to near future. Seriously, one day my daughters can be saying something like this:

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.”

The twisted journey of a girl into womanhood, in summary (more or less):

Be Mommy's little doll and Daddy's little girl; Grow up trying to find yourself, then all of a sudden feels good in your own skin;Then come the boobs, and they always come too soon or too late; Next a period; Afterwards your friends change and boys come in to play and you don't know who the hell you are once more; The next 10 years are spent trying to fit in and impress the boys and trying to find yourself yet again; Start a career, still have no clue who you are most of the time (if you know exactly who you are at an early age as a female, then you were one of the lucky few, us females are complex!); After the college years if you haven't found the one I have seen many girls make that their main goal. Quite sad really, and then there are movies like these. Really? Does it sound like we need it? Do we need to add this much more frustration with all of the other roles we have to fit in?

This movie makes dating more complex than an AP Trig class. There are rules, and exceptions, and signals, and it is plain exhausting. Have I been married too long? Is this really the way that it is? I wish I could just magically make this movie disappear so that I can sleep at night knowing my girls wont be watching some rerun of it on TBS one night when they are 13 and impressionable. I mean really, it is overwhelming.

Was the movie a chick flick? Sure. Was it funny? At times. Happy endings? Mostly. Realistic? I have no idea, though I know that not one of my girlfriends would ever advise the other one to go after a married guy, because he just may leave his wife for you and you will live happily ever after. EVER! (yes, that part just made me angry, to see us so portrayed so weak) Mostly in the end, I think this movie was depressing and long as heck. What a let down too with that star studded cast I was so excited about.

After thinking about it, I conclude that the guys actually looked better than the ladies in this one. We seemed neurotic. Them, cool and collected with us just falling apart at their feet. Maybe that was the point, if there was one. If that was the intention, then I am just bitter.

I can see it now, a bunch of beautiful twenty somethings sitting around watching this movie trying to make one feel better after a break up, with pizza and chocolate all over the floor. Not my idea of Girl Power, I will tell you that much. Seriously, I think a tequila shot and dancing all night in your sexiest heels would be more therapeutic.

Love is supposed to be easy. You find the one and you just know. Everything works when that love is real. It all falls into place. No games involved. It feels good, feels right, it is just easy. Right? Well fellow readers, half of you are saying, yes that is right, so true. The other half of you are calling bull shit. Talking about how nothing is easy. Love is hard. It takes a lot of effort to make it work. Does it? Well, don't ask me, those weren't entirely my thoughts. It is all just another point of view. More of fairy tale, romance novel, sort of hype that we create in our minds.

I think I will get a point in the worst mother of the year category on this one, but I think I rather have Gen and Bella watch MTV than junk like this one day. No Lifetime Movie Network for them until they are adults! Please, they have enough living up to those beautiful Disney Princess movies. The perfect little girl fairy tale. I think that is enough stress to live up to as it is.

Again, my opinion doesn't matter. It is merely that. Love is easy and just feels right, to me anyway. Its more about how you nurture that love, and keep that love strong, be unselfish, forgive, now that's the hard part. The nice thing about it is there are no rules! No exceptions! No little rule book to flip through. When it comes, it will come and hit you like a train, and if it is real, it will always be there. Yes, love gets hard, it gets messy, it always does, but if it is real, you will know, and it is worth it. Quite novel isn't it? It is not neat and pretty like Disney, but it certainly shouldn't be this hellish to explain either.

I know it all too well however, that one day I will be wiping away one of my baby girls' tears because of a silly boy. (he will be just a boy after all, they come and go, it is the way of life) When that happens, I will certainly man-bash, take their side, and go get them a fabulous outfit if thats what it takes. Then there will be movie night-- most definitely.

I hated this date movie, honestly I think I just decided I really hated it. But, yes, there is always that one movie that makes us feel better, my girls will have one of their own in given time. As for me, I will tell my girls, that even their old Mom has one of those. Undeniably it will be her, me, Edy's and it will simply and absolutely be "The Sweetest Thing".

*Keep dreaming my little Princesses. Enjoy it as long as you can. Keep it simple, keep loving, and you will live Happily Ever After, no matter what comes your way.

But always remember:

“if a guy treats you like he doesn’t give a s--- it’s because he doesn’t give a s---.”

* Disclaimer.....please no hate mail, I am not quite sure when they can watch MTV, I was just saying! But really, it's something to think about! Dont you love the parents that do not let their kid watch something like hmmm Harry Potter, (its the Anti Christ some say) but somehow Bat Man (you know the one where Heath Ledger scares the crap out of himself, I sware there were like 6 year olds there) is OK? Hmm? See, really I have no idea, only that I will not worry about these crap movies or MTV anytime soon and that Noggin is my best friend.

25 Random Things

On Facebook, I always get tagged with Notes, which I am bad for not responding to all of them. There is just no way! Once in a while if I am bored I will do it. It is fun, I just do not get the time. They are also fun to read others' Notes most times, so I figured I would post one! I think some of ya should join me! Here I go.....

• Frogs are terrifying to me!! I really go into a scary panic mode type of thing. (this is a tough one because I am a mother to a 5 year old that loves to catch them). GROSS!!
• My Mom had me out of wed lock, my sperm donor thought she should have an abortion. She didn't. I am so proud of her for keeping me, at 19, THANKS MOM --- Yet, I am pro choice (mentally not fundamentally or emotionally).
• My political views are completely against the way I was brought up. My family constantly criticizes me for it. It gets heated. They get frustrated. I think it is fun.
• I am a pushover. I forgive and forget way too easily I think, though most would think that's a good trait, I think I really need to toughen up!!
• I think, no I truly believe, with all my heart believe that Genesis is my soul mate. Tyler is my Zen, my happy place. I cant explain it. (Bella is my baby, perfect in every way, I am sure she will have a so-called fancy title too one day, but she is too young, it took me a while to put my finger on the Gen thing, but I knew it was special, when I got it, I cried, I didn't believe in soul mates until then)
• I am a TERRIBLE liar.
• I worry too much about what people think about me.
• Shoes are my pit fall. (Purses and sun glasses are in a tie for a close second)
• Though I am not a "real" jewelry kind of girl, there are a few items I really want one day. A pair of diamond stud earrings set in platinum, Tiffany & Co Celebration Rings, and a vintage looking wedding ring.
• My most valuable possessions are my photos.
• I have never lost anyone I am very close to.
• Death scares me.
• My children give me hope.
• I can still remember seeing each of my kids for the very first time. I can hear their cries, I can see their wet faces and adorable little pink lips, I can smell them, I can feel them. Those were the three best days of my life.
• I am in love with the miracle of child birth. I loved being pregnant! I would do it again if I could.
• When I was younger I had a scary obsession with Mickey Mouse! May be why we went to Disney for our Honeymoon!
• John is my best friend, best everything! I met him when I was about 12 years old!
• I love to be silly, I never want to grow up, at least not all the way. This comes in real handy with kids, being silly with them, at their level is unlike anything else! Epic silliness with them is my favorite past time! Best part is, they love it too!
• I wish I had lived in New York and back packed Europe when I was single.
• I adore my family and would do anything for them.
• One of my favorite things to do with my kids is to sleep with them. Secretly, when it is time to do that I have a hard time deciding which one I want to cuddle with!
• Pickles are gross.
• Before I met John I never ate seafood, now I love it.
• I hate my name.
• I love starting new traditions. Spaghetti Sundays, Wii Wednesdays, Fall scrap books etc....Oh, and every year John and I measure the kids height on their birthdays. We take a pen and on the inside frame of their bedroom closets we date their height every year. They have grown up in our home, and it is crazy to see that each year. If we ever move, I am taking those with me some how.
• I suck at Mario Kart. Both my 5 and 4 year old totally kick my ass.
• Gen tells me when my hair and/or clothes doesn't look right, or good, I am ashamed to say I have taken her advice. I have fallen victim to changing my shirt or something because a 4 year old told me I should! A couple of times, she was completely spot on too!! Wow, this is now, lets see where this takes me when she is a teenager!

That is actually 27! Go figure.......It was easier than I thought!

My Hero

Ha, had to post this one........so I watch junk TV to unwind, here is what John does. I don't know why it is funny to me to see him play Guitar Hero, but it just is. Fun Times!!

Besides, he will get jealous that I posted about Kris Allen, and didn't post about him.

Will the kids not get a kick out of this picture, in about say 5, 10 years?

Just Kidding, love you babes.....

ROCK OUT EVERYBODY!!!

The Underdog Wins!!!!

I know, I know, I am an American Idol fan. It is one of my guilty pleasures! I really love it, despite what all the critics may say. I enjoy this reality show, so does John. The finale was great, I loved Cyndi Lauper and Kara, it was a pretty good show. (Yet I am a bad fan because I totally fast forwarded through a lot of the Idols' group performances, those can be so cheesy and terrible!)

I am so stoked that Kris Allen won! He is adorable isn't he? His face upon hearing his name called was priceless. I could just squeeze his cheeks! I was really surprised, but oh so glad! Some call it an upset, that's fine, it is the greatest upset of all time then!!


I mean all season, it was Adam, Adam, Adam. His performances were more done up with lights, and fog and this and that, they often saved him for last so that viewers remembered him, Simon called him the next Idol, even last night he had the spotlight! Kris performed with Keith Urban, while I think Keith is wonderful, it was basically just two little guys up there jamming with their guitars, to a song with sweet easy lyrics, not a lot of glitz. The two finalist even had a duet, well sort of, it was with Queen, come on, like Kris can compete with that, it was completely set for Adam. Then came Adam, with KISS, with an armored suit and moon shoes, and fog and fireworks for goodness sakes, it was totally supposed to be his night. But, low and behold America prevails!

Adam Lambert has some chops, he can definitely sing, but the screaming is so overrated for me, as is his style in general. I can't stand to listen even with my eyes closed despite his incredible talent, it is just not me. In the end, they will both have pretty great careers, all because of this show, what an accomplishment, and though I am sure they have worked hard, a pretty easy break in that business.
OK, back to Kris. Hey, he makes me feel like a teenager, creepy huh? (blushes). Really he just makes me smile. John was a fan too, so it made it fun. I thought the song he did with Keith Urban was great, I would love to hear him sing with John Mayer or DMB or something like that, he is right up my alley and I hope he keeps going that way! His Dad crying melts my heart, and I think his Mom is great too, they seem like a great family. When Kris went to visit his home town and his Dad broke down in that hug, I needed the Kleenex.

Now that Idol is over, what will I do with my guilty pleasure hour? It is summer time so I guess a bowl of ice cream is out of the question isn't it? Oh wait, next is So You Think You Can Dance! Genesis loves this show, so it will be fun to watch together. I love junk TV, no thinking involved, its a beautiful thing!

Why Am I Running?

My life is a fast one. I have mentioned on here how it goes and goes. I have learned to take hold of it. Try to stop the hands of time, that some how are on Red Bull after the arrival of your most precious moments, for me, my children. Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, it's full throttle. I live and learn though, as we all do. I cant complain about that, I have come a long way. Somehow I can sit here now, I wasn't able to a few years back, and say that I do what I can.

For example, I take a lot of pictures still as I believe those are my most valuable possessions, but I do not let a camera dictate my moments. I take pictures of a moment, and then I try to put it away, I live the moment rather than trying to make it stand still. I hold my kids a little longer most days, (I am not perfect, there are always "those days", lol), I talk to them. I talk to them maybe too much, as one day I realize they may not want to talk to Mom at all.

I have stopped trying to "Spot-Shot" their clothes at lightening speed. Whoa, this is a tough one...you know there is that perfect Gap outfit, and then there is that perfect chocolate chip cookie that ends up all over it! I used to go into super hero mode and save it knowing damn well it will no longer fit them in a month; these days, I still have stock invested in Spot Shot, but now I let them have the cookie, put it all over their mouths and shirts, let them laugh at it, and at about 3 in the morning my dear friends I can most certainly be found in the laundry room obsessing about the stain, while John bitches at the amount of the stuff that I use. (somehow he doesn't bitch too much when Bella needs nearly NO clothes because all of Gen's hand me downs are in perfect order though, and my sister doesn't complain either, now that her daughter can wear Bella's hand me downs and most are still looking brand new, whew I LOVE SPOT SHOT!!) ...OK so I got off topic here, but you get it, I am letting go, enjoying those I love the most. If the only way to have a decent conversation with John is to stay up until 3AM, then I do it, if the house isn't clean I still go to the park, it's hard for me to "let go" but I learn a little bit more every day. Then there is Mimi.

I love my Mimi so much. She is so many things to so many different people, she is so much to me; I cant even put it in words. Somehow, from her I run, with Nike Shocks on if I could. Sad part is, I cant figure out why. I have to do some more soul searching. I cant figure it out, it drives me nuts. I used to talk to her every day, more than once, in part because she was the kids care taker, but it was more than that. Now I am almost afraid to call.

Yesterday I paid my best friend a short visit. Oh how I didn't want her to ask me about Mimi. I dreaded answering. I have to admit, I didn't know. I hadn't spoken to her in 4 days. If that doesn't seem like a lot to you, trust me, it is, it is an eternity. Then I was surprised, the way I am always surprised by Mimi. She spoke about her that's for sure, but it wasn't a question about how she was doing. Instead she said, "Hey I saw Mimi at Wal-Mart today!". I had a huge smile on my face about that, good for her. Then I did the unimaginable, "I" asked Em how "Mimi" was doing. (argh, I am terrible aren't I!) She said well, she has lost a lot of weight, (at least that I knew). Em also said that at least she did not have her walker because the cart she was pushing served her as one and Mimi likes faking it, she is strong and prideful. Em tried to make a small joke, she said that Mimi was a trooper. Mimi told Em that she had taken a Perkiset (sp?) so that she could go to Wally World. Now that is TOTALLY Mimi!

Her hair is thinning now, her legs are shaky, some days she can't talk. I think I just cant see her this way, I think I am in denial. I don't know why, because I think I should be a cheer leader, telling her she can and will beat this awful disease that kills so many of us, young and old. Cancer doesn't have a face, it is relentless and unpredictable, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. It doesn't matter if you eat well, work out, do not smoke, get mammograms, it does not care, it knows no age. Mimi did it all right, and still at her late age, here we are.

On Mother's Day, we had a great day, just John and I and the kids. My mother held a lunch at Mimi's for Mothers Day this year. We could not attend. Bella and I had a cold, and Mimi cannot afford to be exposed to anything right now. I was heart broken. I was relieved. Yes relieved! What kind of a person am I? It could very well be her last. It was a time to celebrate. To celebrate life that only us women can maintain, what an honor. Yet Veronica was relieved to not live it. I cant forgive myself.

Looking back I think it is because I don't want to face any lasts. I don't want to contribute to the disease. I am willingly putting blinders on to it. I am pulling away. In actuality I am realizing I am letting it win. I don't call much, I don't visit much. I cant bring myself to it. My mind goes in circles as I am sure this entry has, because I cant wrap myself around my actions. I am not in control. Another thought is that there is no control. No way to put brakes on this roller coaster, it is what it is, and I should just take the ride. I am not, I am absent.

Her Mothers Day gift sits on my dining room table, I cant even look at the cute bag. I haven't delivered it. Its contents are a zip up shirt, it is what she wanted because of the port for the chemo, she thinks those are easier, she wanted the comfort. It pains her to wear a bra, so I also got her a tank top, a soft one, that she can wear under it for some mild support. Even a gift has to be a reminder. I thought about taking it back. I want to burn it, throw it away. Get her tickets to Vegas instead, I don't know. I want her to live, happily. If she has a year left or ten, I want her to be OK for them, but instead every moment is an up hill battle. I want to take it away, I cant. No one can.

Somehow when I blog about something I put it into action. So there, I did it. I typed out this entry. I will call her tonight. I will go see her tomorrow and happily give her a chemo uniform. I will hug her tight. I will appreciate that she tries to act OK for me and try to take away the burden from her. The burden where she knows me like the back of her hand and knows that I am weak and how she knows I am not right. I am an emotional train wreck, I cant hide a thing from her. Maybe I can be strong, and she can say bye to me Friday night, and think, well maybe she is OK. I owe her that. I owe her so much. Owing is not enough, I have to do something. I will try. I will find my heart, which is in the right place but at times gets lost in self pity, if you want to call it that. I will get in the long line to ride that awesome coaster--- with her.