"I'm Back" to "First Days"......

Oh how I have missed my blogging!! Life has been so crazy as usual and I lost my Blogger mojo. I hope it is back! I had to get my life's rhythm back first and I think everything is on the right track. I have missed so many fun things that I need to catch up on, like Tyler's Birthday, our Summer, etc...but I cant wait to share.

In the mean time, today was a bittersweet day, it was the first day of school. My second grader so handsome and almost as tall as I am, my first grader with a flower in her hair and growing to be so independant. We get there with my arms full of school supplies and little hands, I leave empty watching Mom's crying to their cars, finding myself joining them. I thought this year would be easier, and although it was, it wasn't bullet proof. My heart still escapes my body and stays right there with them. I suppose that will never change.

This poem makes me cry every time...though it is about a little girl, and definately relates to my daughter, the premise is completely applicable to both of my little people, and seemingly it will apply for every first day. Grab your tissues and join me.........

Dear World,

I bequeath to you today one little girl in a crispy blue dress with two brown eyes and a happy laugh that ripples all day long and a flash of light brown hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs.

I trust you'll treat her well. She's slipping out of the backyard of my heart this morning and skipping off down the street to her first day of school. Never again will she be completely mine. Prim and proper, she'll wave a young independent hand this morning and say "goodbye", and walk with little lady steps to the schoolhouse.

Now, she'll learn to stand in lines and wait by the alphabet for her name to be called. She'll learn to tune her ears for sounds of school bells and deadlines, and she'll learn to giggle, and gossip, and look at the ceiling in a disinterested way, and she'll learn to be jealous.

Now she'll learn how not to cry. No longer will she have time to sit on the front porch on a hot summer day and watch an ant scurry across a crack in the sidewalk. Nor will she have time to pop out of bed with the dawn to kiss lilac blossoms in the morning dew.

No...now she'll worry about important things like grades and which dress to wear and whose best friend is whose. She'll forget her blocks and dolls, and now she'll find new heroes. For five full years now, I've been her sage and Santa Claus, pal and playmate, Mother and friend.

Now she'll learn to share her worship with her teachers, which is only right. But, no longer will I be the smartest, greatest woman in the whole world. Today, when that school bell rings for the first time, she'll learn what it means to be a member of the group, with all its privileges and its disadvantages, too. She'll learn in time that proper ladies do not laugh out loud or kiss dogs or keep frogs in pickle jars in bedrooms, or even watch ants scurry across cracks in the summer sidewalk. Today, she'll learn for the first time that all who smile at her are not her friends, and I'll stand on the front porch and watch her start out on the long lonely journey to becoming a woman.

So world, I bequeath to you today, one little girl in a crispy blue dress with two brown eyes and a happy laugh that ripples all day long, and a flash of brown hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs.

I trust you will treat her well.

(...and yes, her dress was blue!)

Love,
Veronica

The Everlasting Comforter

When my sister and I were growing up we used to share a room until I was about 14 years old. It was then that my parents finished the addition to our child hood home, and all of us siblings had our own rooms. I remember going shopping for our decorations and furniture and it was an exciting time. My sister was about 10 then, and our Mom picked out her comforter as I recall, and I thought it was ugly. I think Vikki may have thought so too, but that is blurry in my memory.

This comforter ended up being the softest most yummiest comforter ever. It was white with squares in it, the sides of the squares were all different colors. This comforter went with us on the couch to cuddle for movies, on road trips, and all other sorts of adventures. Somehow this blanket lives here with me today. I think Vikki may have left it here when she moved in with John and I when she graduated high school.

I love this thing! I still use it on the couch for TV time, and it is still as delicious to this day..actually it's better. We use this comforter to make forts, to sit on when we do something on the floor, the kids even love this thing. Every once in a while, it makes me smile to see them on this almost 24 year old blanket. They are growing up with this comforter that their Mom and Aunt loved as children, and they are using it the same way they did. Pretty neat.

Today this comforter was a star.l I picked Tyler up from school because his teacher called to let me know he was sick. First thing he did when we walked in the door is grab that comforter and head for the couch, Same thing we would have done as children. At dinner time he was cold so he and his sister used it to lay over their laps as they ate. This thing was new back then so Mom would never have let us do that, but still, the point is the blanket makes us feel good.

At bed time, Genesis was in her jammies and Bells wanted to play with her....she runs to get her attention, I am down the hall just watching them. The best part of my day was to hear Gensesis say "Bella, do want a blanket ride?" I didn't quite know what she meant, but Bella said yes. Bella runs to the tiled kitchen and waits, then Gen comes along pulling this long colorful, hideous comforter behind her and lays it on the floor. Bella proceeds to sit in the middle of it with her big sisters help. Gen then simply pulls her around the kitchen! Bella is cracking up and holding on! I know this can lead to big trouble, but I let them have their fun for a minute as I watched in the background. It looked like great fun!

This comforter still gets washed and used and is going to be with us a lot longer I think! It has proved over and over that it still has some life in it, great buy Mom!! My only wish is that Vikki and I would have thought of the grand blanket ride idea!

HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY!!

This St. Patricks Day I realized that............

• My daughters do not own much green clothes at all. Genesis has some shorts, but it was still too chilly for that, so jeans it was. As for her top, that was rough, but we dug something up. Hair bows were an even bigger challenge! I don't think green would be a good addition to Gen's wardrobe with her skin tone, but Bella would look cute in green I think, so I will have to get some! Gen went with clear sparkly nails with tiny green gems on them, she was adorable.
• Daddy and Gen worked on her project for school that was due today last night. She was to design and build a trap to catch Lenny the Leprechaun that has escaped in her classroom. They put together a rainbow made out of cardboard with a pot of gold at the end. When Lenny opens the treasure he will see that it is fake and the door comes down and traps him! Or so we hope, we will have to see how it goes, it was definitely the cutest project ever though. She was so proud to take it to school today.
• Isabella was conceived exactly three years ago today! Sorry if that is "TMI" , but it was much too memorable to forget the exact date. It was a good night! I really didn't care much about St. Patty's Day until 2007. From then on, we will CELEBRATE! Haha......
• There are only 3 more days til Spring 2010. I cant wait for some blue skies and warm sunshine. The kids are excited to play outside more, and we are looking forward to nice walks with Koda Brown and the kids.

Anyone having some green beer tonight? I am not sure I will get to enjoy one myself, but the kids and I are making Shamrock Smoothies :0). Just mix some skim milk, sugar free lime sherbert, vanilla extract and two ripe bananas (or yogurt) in the blender and enjoy!! I hope my little Leprochauns like them! I will call these "shakes" so they think they are terrible for them and love them! Works every time!

Dark Confessions of a Good Mom ----- INTRO

Sometimes when I go through and read some of my old blog posts I realize how great everything sounds--most of the time. Especially, when the kids are involved. Motherhood, or parenting, is the single most difficult thing I have committed too. I am responsible for their health, happiness, enrichment, manners, morals, and the list goes on, basically, I am responsible for my children's lives. With so much responsibility as a Mother or parent, I think it is almost inevitable to make mistakes along the way. It comes with the territory.

Why are us Moms so embarrassed to talk about our mistakes? We are open to giving advice about breast feeding, making your own baby food, how to wean your child, or break them from a biting habit, but when we screw up, not many Mom's are willing to publicize it.

I get the fact that these mistakes aren't the ones that you usually want to talk about. Especially not on a public blog, but I have been thinking of my short comings as a Mom, and what I can do to be a better Mother. For a while I have been thinking about starting a new blog, along with this one, but then realized I can barely keep up with one. Two blogs would be just way too much pressure. So I just never did it.

Then I got Site Meter. It tells me who visits my blog, how long they were on, what pages they read, where they were from, how they found me etc. I was really just curious at the stats. What I found is that a lot of folks find me by mistake Googling parenting or children related subjects. Now I am taking a leap and writing about my freak out Mom moments as well. I have accepted that it is normal, and want others to feel at ease when they mess up as well. Hopefully some words some where will enlighten someone, even when I am not singing my children's praises, and let them know it is OK.

As a loving Mother-- I screw up. I want to scream. I want to start over. I want to cry. I make wrong decisions. Funny thing is, we all do, whether we admit it or not. As of late I am trying to find the beauty in my parenting woes. Its easy most of the time. It is easy because I love my kids, I want the very best for them, I want them to have the best Mom they can possibly have. So when I screw it up, I take a mental note, I move forward, I find the beauty in my mistake and learn from it, now I will blog about it too. I feel like writing it makes me more accountable. It feels good to know you are not alone, and messing up isn't an option, it is a fact.

The key for me when I do falter is find the beauty in it, the laughter it can bring us, and most importantly the fact that when I have really slipped, I care enough to take it with me and grow from it. I will share it here with you, and one day with my own children. No matter how small or big it is, I am a good mother, (and it took me some convincing to realize that I was because I take it so seriously that I felt this huge burden to be perfect and I definitely am not)I am learning to be a better Mom everyday, I confess, find the goodness in the mistake and move on. Hope you will follow me. This is my Intro to True Confessions of a Good Mom, Volume 1 coming soon.

xoxo
Veronica

One of Those Days

I miss my kids today. There was a beautiful snow falling this morning when John had to scoop them out of their warm bed and drop them off at their Grandma's. I know it is better than day care and I am so lucky, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't make me feel any better. The truth is that Grandma is not Mama, that's all. I am selfish and greedy and want them all for myself. I would have given just about anything to stay with them today, play in the snow with them, and then make them some hot chocolate.

We could have spent the afternoon playing that board game I promised to play with them a week ago. We could talk and nap, color or bake. We can have Koda Brown's first birthday party that we have yet to celebrate (we bought him doggie bones, and toys, and a birthday hat, I just haven't had the "time"to get to it), I could help Tyler with the science experiments he has been dying to try, and help Genesis bling out her journal. I am sure Bella would love to open her last couple of Christmas gifts she hasn't even gotten to yet.

I am at work. Working for them--holding my heart in its place until I can see them again. Which all I will do is boss them around when I get to them anyway. My few hours with them sound like this............ "Take a bath." "Brush your teeth.", "Pick these things up" "Time for bed" and then poof, day is over.

A friends status today on Facebook: "...............misses the peanut today. I don't know how moms who work full time do it. Hats off to you ladies!!!"
Well----DISLIKE!
Sweet status, I see what she means. She means well and is happy to spend some off time with her child. We all are. For the Mom's who do not have a choice but to work, we understand the amount of sacrifices that come with it. For the Mom's who can stay with their kids, please, please, please, make every second count, for all of us. But in the mood I am in today, what I really want to say is....keep your hat on, you don't know how we do it, because we really don't. We have to fake it.

Yes, I know this is not neccesarily true. No, I dont think we fake it, I just sometimes feel like it. I do it, all of it, and I am tired and I am broken because on days like this, I feel guilty, I want to be home with my kids. Concentrating on being an even more fabulous Mom. That is after all, all I ever wanted to do. I just cant do it the way I would have liked to.

OK, OK, I am talking shit bc I am having a super bad day, and cursing like a sailor. I can see that. Of course we working Mom's do it, we are fucking awesome. Aren't we? I guess I will just have to reflect on this when my heart isn't so heavy. Whether we work or not, being a Mom is the hardest "job" out there, but the rewards are immeasurable. Work hard, play hard, love your kids, and in the end, we will have the same product. I have to believe that.

Back to work, lunch is over.

Sharing the Bed

That's right, share your bed, and I refer to sharing it with your children. I am not going to get into a discussion about a Family Bed, or "Ferberizing" your child. I mean this in the simplest of ways, sleep with your child. Maybe not every day, but every once in a while, just do it. What is it all about anyway? I bet you are thinking I have lost my mind. This however is me at my clearest. I love sleeping with my kids.

For me it is about holding Tyler all night, and it seems like I do not have many of those nights left. He is so big now, when we lay together he always faces me, and our feet touch, he is getting so tall. It is about the way he puts is hand up my T-shirt sleeve and rubs my arm until he falls asleep. When he was smaller, since he was a baby, that is the only way he would fall asleep. He would say "arm, arm" as he asked for it. Now he only does it every now and then, not an every day thing, but when he does, I want to stay with him all night and remember when. Just holding him, feeling the softness of his skin.

It is about seamlessly cuddling with Genesis, the way our bodies fit perfectly together like two pieces of an interlocking puzzle. It is the perfect fit, every limb intertwined in one way or another. Amazingly, it feels good, really good, and not the least bit uncomfortable. It is about me playing with her long hair as she sleeps peacefully in my arms. A bonus is when she whispers " I love you Mama" in her sleep.

It is about cradling Isabella's body next to me. She is so small compared to the other two. It is about how she likes to hold your hand when she is sleepy, her tiny hand in mine melts my heart. Her other hand goes up and rubs my ear. Another habit that is annoying at times, but now that I know it is a phase that will be outgrown like Tyler's, I gladly take my earrings off and let her fall peacefully asleep. Her little face up by mine, one hand holding mine, the other one rubbing my ear.

It is about holding a sick child all night so that you can make sure they are OK. It is about sleeping with your baby because they nurse in another hour and you have to work in the morning, might as well keep them. It is about not only praying for your baby, but literally praying over them as they sleep. It is about reading them a bedtime story and not being able to leave them when you say "the end". Better yet, it is about reading them a book and falling asleep before they do and staying with them all night. It is about sleeping with your new born, just because you feel obsessed about making sure they are breathing, and this is a sure fire way to watch them all night. It is about having a bad day and having them take all your worries away with a good nights rest. It is about enjoying them now, because pretty soon sleeping with Mommy will be a thing of the past. It is about waking up with a sore arm because your 6 year old laid on it all night and you chose not to disturb him. It is about holding your baby in your arm and with the other reaching over and gently touching John's fingers across the bed and thinking about how we together made this other little person, and to think it all started with one touch. It is about bonding with them. It is about both of you feeling so safe, and sometimes we all just need that don't we? It is about the innocence as they are peacefully sleeping. It is about their face being the first thing you see in the morning.

Yes kids need their independence. They need to self soothe. They need to sleep in their own beds to get a restful nights sleep. We need to wean kids off pacifiers and bottles, and we need to potty train them and everything else that comes with training a little person. I am not going to make sleeping with me one of those things that is just not allowed. Another habit that I have to not let them form. John and I both love it. If Ty, Gen or Bella wants to sleep with us, it is OK. I wonder if when they are in high school they will hate it if I sneak into their room for a cuddle? Since they very well might, I will take advantage of the beauty of it now--and it is beautiful.

Parents, if you haven't slept with your child in over two months, it is time to get a cuddle session in. They will love it, and you will not be sorry.

A Survey.....

Rachel posted a survey, and it looked interesting, one that makes you think.....so courtesy of Miss DeFazio....here I go....

1. My grandpa once: told me to always turn the other cheek, and be the better person. Sounded silly when I was 12, but I grew to understand what he meant. He was right.

2. Never in my life have I: loved anyone as much as I now love my husband and kids.

3. When I was younger, I: was a typical girl that loved to play school and dreamt of marrying a Prince.

4. High school was: the time of my life.

5.When I'm nervous: I smile a lot, and I get a red hot neck and face.

6. The last time I really cried was: just a few weeks ago.

7. If I were to get married right now: then it must mean that J and I are renewing our vows!

8. My hair is: different ever since I had the kids.

9. My feet are: one of my favorite things because they keep all my favorite shoes on, get to sink their toes in the sand, walk barefoot in freshly cut grass, and play footsie with my kids and hubby.

10. When I was 5: my Mom was my hero.

11. Last Christmas: was a special one because Mimi was here for it and because Christmas is always so special with little ones.

12. When I turn my head left: um OK..I see a very cool writing sample that Tyler did in school last year that always makes my day, a picture of Rachel and I, one of my sis and I, and lots of the kids on my peg board at work.

13. When I turn my head right: more pictures on my file cabinet, windows, and Rachel!

14. My life is not complete without: the people I love in it.

15. By this time next year: I hope things are different.

16. I have a hard time understanding: this crazy war, why people can be so hard on each other. We are all human after all aren't we? Alas, is this the problem? Sigh.

17. One time at a family gathering: this one could go on forever. There was the one time my uncle fell in the burning charcoal, the time I peed my pants from laughing so hard, the time my Mom got so drunk she begged me to go to the bathroom with her to help her splash water on her face ( I was a teen, it was very amusing) so she wouldn't fall over.

18. Take my advice: always tell the truth.

19. My ideal breakfast is: the one that you eat at about 11am on a Sunday.

20. If you visit my hometown: make sure to hit the beach, go to Versailles or La Carreta for dinner, and pick up some pastelitos and a cortadito! YUMMY!

21. My friends are: AWESOME!

22. If you spend the night at my house: bring extra blankets, and be prepared to be woken up by little feet bright and early!

23. I would stop my wedding if: well I didn't stop it when my in laws brought a DOG as a wedding gift to the actual wedding and our best man was told to lose the rings......so I think someone would have to be dying, or one of us got cold feet.

24. The world could do without: a lot of things, but we just have to make the best of what we have and take care of what is left of it.

25. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the belly of a frog, but both are highly unlikely unless there are major dollar signs attached to it.

26. The most recent thing I've bought myself is: nothing. I shop for others, i.e, my kids and hubby, and J shops for me, it's a giving tree, always a win!

27. And, by the way: if I do buy something for myself, it is usually a pair of shoes.

28. The last time I was high: High? On what?

29. In the past I shouldn't have been: so trusting and careless.

30. Once, at a bar/club: I danced all night, lost one of my favorite earrings, and broke one of my heels. It was a GREAT night.

31. Last night, I: was feeling sick and came home and had a nap.

32. If I didn't have any obligations tomorrow: I would have a girl day. Read, snuggle in some blankets, watch movies, sip coffee, and do my nails.

33. A better name for me would be: Veronica. It is my name. My Mom gave it to me. My grandpa helped pick it because he loved Veronica Lake. I would not change it, but I do dislike it.

34. In the last 6 months: life has not been an easy ride, but I have done a lot of learning, and that is irreplaceable.

35. If I ever go back to school: I would get a Teaching degree.

36. I bet you didn't know: that I would love to have another baby.

37. I am: very tired.

38. I read: but not enough. Mainly just blogs and on-line news.

39. Every birthday: I am thankful for another year but not happy about the number attached to it.

40. I regret: that I didn't back pack Europe when I was younger. Other than that, I think I have decided to never look back.

When Life Throws You Avocados...

......MAKE GUACAMOLE!!!.......

Who knew that playing with avocados could be so much fun!? Here are my best buds and I playing with our food one day.......

* No he didn't really bite into that.

* Before the avocado suffered its demise.


* Bye Bye avocado......



* The big brown eyes that take my breath away.


* One of my favorite photos ever. You can feel the love just by looking at it!!!

REFOCUS

Happy 2010 everybody! I am giving 2010 a theme for myself, I will simply focus on REFOCUSING. In all I do I will to try to take the task at hand and then refocus on it and decide where my efforts should actually lie. What is actually meaningful here? What is important? I often find that with a full plate sometimes I waste time on something that seems important at the time, but in hindsight it didn't make a difference in my life or the lives of others.

I plan to REFOCUS on:

• Only whats important, mainly family.
• What I should spend my money on.
• How I should spend my few extra minutes.
• What is important to my kids. Refocusing is very important with them, because in the end all these little people want is time with me. So I have to make more quality time for them. Buying them a toy or whatever is just a momentary fix. In the end there is a lot more to their happiness and enrichment.
• Organizing. Not so much redoing and revamping, but just refocusing my home and office and life.
• Being a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, grand daughter and sister.
• Reading. I miserably fail at this one!
• ME!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!