Why Am I Running?

My life is a fast one. I have mentioned on here how it goes and goes. I have learned to take hold of it. Try to stop the hands of time, that some how are on Red Bull after the arrival of your most precious moments, for me, my children. Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, it's full throttle. I live and learn though, as we all do. I cant complain about that, I have come a long way. Somehow I can sit here now, I wasn't able to a few years back, and say that I do what I can.

For example, I take a lot of pictures still as I believe those are my most valuable possessions, but I do not let a camera dictate my moments. I take pictures of a moment, and then I try to put it away, I live the moment rather than trying to make it stand still. I hold my kids a little longer most days, (I am not perfect, there are always "those days", lol), I talk to them. I talk to them maybe too much, as one day I realize they may not want to talk to Mom at all.

I have stopped trying to "Spot-Shot" their clothes at lightening speed. Whoa, this is a tough one...you know there is that perfect Gap outfit, and then there is that perfect chocolate chip cookie that ends up all over it! I used to go into super hero mode and save it knowing damn well it will no longer fit them in a month; these days, I still have stock invested in Spot Shot, but now I let them have the cookie, put it all over their mouths and shirts, let them laugh at it, and at about 3 in the morning my dear friends I can most certainly be found in the laundry room obsessing about the stain, while John bitches at the amount of the stuff that I use. (somehow he doesn't bitch too much when Bella needs nearly NO clothes because all of Gen's hand me downs are in perfect order though, and my sister doesn't complain either, now that her daughter can wear Bella's hand me downs and most are still looking brand new, whew I LOVE SPOT SHOT!!) ...OK so I got off topic here, but you get it, I am letting go, enjoying those I love the most. If the only way to have a decent conversation with John is to stay up until 3AM, then I do it, if the house isn't clean I still go to the park, it's hard for me to "let go" but I learn a little bit more every day. Then there is Mimi.

I love my Mimi so much. She is so many things to so many different people, she is so much to me; I cant even put it in words. Somehow, from her I run, with Nike Shocks on if I could. Sad part is, I cant figure out why. I have to do some more soul searching. I cant figure it out, it drives me nuts. I used to talk to her every day, more than once, in part because she was the kids care taker, but it was more than that. Now I am almost afraid to call.

Yesterday I paid my best friend a short visit. Oh how I didn't want her to ask me about Mimi. I dreaded answering. I have to admit, I didn't know. I hadn't spoken to her in 4 days. If that doesn't seem like a lot to you, trust me, it is, it is an eternity. Then I was surprised, the way I am always surprised by Mimi. She spoke about her that's for sure, but it wasn't a question about how she was doing. Instead she said, "Hey I saw Mimi at Wal-Mart today!". I had a huge smile on my face about that, good for her. Then I did the unimaginable, "I" asked Em how "Mimi" was doing. (argh, I am terrible aren't I!) She said well, she has lost a lot of weight, (at least that I knew). Em also said that at least she did not have her walker because the cart she was pushing served her as one and Mimi likes faking it, she is strong and prideful. Em tried to make a small joke, she said that Mimi was a trooper. Mimi told Em that she had taken a Perkiset (sp?) so that she could go to Wally World. Now that is TOTALLY Mimi!

Her hair is thinning now, her legs are shaky, some days she can't talk. I think I just cant see her this way, I think I am in denial. I don't know why, because I think I should be a cheer leader, telling her she can and will beat this awful disease that kills so many of us, young and old. Cancer doesn't have a face, it is relentless and unpredictable, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. It doesn't matter if you eat well, work out, do not smoke, get mammograms, it does not care, it knows no age. Mimi did it all right, and still at her late age, here we are.

On Mother's Day, we had a great day, just John and I and the kids. My mother held a lunch at Mimi's for Mothers Day this year. We could not attend. Bella and I had a cold, and Mimi cannot afford to be exposed to anything right now. I was heart broken. I was relieved. Yes relieved! What kind of a person am I? It could very well be her last. It was a time to celebrate. To celebrate life that only us women can maintain, what an honor. Yet Veronica was relieved to not live it. I cant forgive myself.

Looking back I think it is because I don't want to face any lasts. I don't want to contribute to the disease. I am willingly putting blinders on to it. I am pulling away. In actuality I am realizing I am letting it win. I don't call much, I don't visit much. I cant bring myself to it. My mind goes in circles as I am sure this entry has, because I cant wrap myself around my actions. I am not in control. Another thought is that there is no control. No way to put brakes on this roller coaster, it is what it is, and I should just take the ride. I am not, I am absent.

Her Mothers Day gift sits on my dining room table, I cant even look at the cute bag. I haven't delivered it. Its contents are a zip up shirt, it is what she wanted because of the port for the chemo, she thinks those are easier, she wanted the comfort. It pains her to wear a bra, so I also got her a tank top, a soft one, that she can wear under it for some mild support. Even a gift has to be a reminder. I thought about taking it back. I want to burn it, throw it away. Get her tickets to Vegas instead, I don't know. I want her to live, happily. If she has a year left or ten, I want her to be OK for them, but instead every moment is an up hill battle. I want to take it away, I cant. No one can.

Somehow when I blog about something I put it into action. So there, I did it. I typed out this entry. I will call her tonight. I will go see her tomorrow and happily give her a chemo uniform. I will hug her tight. I will appreciate that she tries to act OK for me and try to take away the burden from her. The burden where she knows me like the back of her hand and knows that I am weak and how she knows I am not right. I am an emotional train wreck, I cant hide a thing from her. Maybe I can be strong, and she can say bye to me Friday night, and think, well maybe she is OK. I owe her that. I owe her so much. Owing is not enough, I have to do something. I will try. I will find my heart, which is in the right place but at times gets lost in self pity, if you want to call it that. I will get in the long line to ride that awesome coaster--- with her.