Lost in Random Thought

I got to reading my last post tonight and admittedly I still want to believe that life is good for the most part. Then I got to thinking, why the hell am I so angry then? Today someone actually said "your eyes look sad". Why? I didn't have an answer that I particularly wanted to share. Still I was enlightened by the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve and am bad at doing otherwise I suppose. Funny thing is that, I thought I was having a good day, with the glow in full force. Seems that those that see me every day can see right through me, why is that I cant help that??

The bummer is that I think too much, my mind runs circles around me, like a roller coaster ride without a safety harness. On the bright side, something is working, I think I can actually list whats eating at me now. That brings me some peace because I can actually think of times where I couldn't even begin to figure it out.

I am a person of lists. I get through my life with lists. Grocery Lists, To Do Lists, Project Lists, Shopping Lists, Goal Lists, on and on....so here is another list, for my own clarity.

What is making me so mad these days:

• The person I trusted and counted on the most (ever) is gone. Well I can't do much about that anymore, I can honestly say that I tried. The truth is the only person one can really count is God and them self. I don't mean like when you need a sitter, or a drink, or daily things, sure those are people one needs, but I am referring to the one and only person one can one really really trust and count on . That's a toughie, Bible says people will let you down, believe in only Him etc.....I never really bought that. Now, I am glad to have figured that out when I did.
• When you have known someone seemingly forever, and then one day you wake up and it feels like you don't know them at all. Granted people change, and on the same hand, somewhere in there they are the same, are they the same with you? Is it you that has changed? The heart can be that cloudy, but when you look with your mind, is it really? Deceptive.
• Too much has happened. I have changed. Yes I think I sure have. There is no more room for the extra stuff, the negative stuff that is eating me up on the inside. I used to say I give up,without knowing what the heck I meant. I think that now I am beginning to know. I mean I give up on some things. Simple as that. Tired of going in circles.
• Makes me mad that I have given up.
• People with no compassion for what they have right under their noses. That don't try to realize what they have to lose and don't know how to prioritize. They are so fricken lost themselves that they cant figure out what to do to save whatever it is that they do have. This one makes me particularly pissed off b/c it is something that I SO have to work at, and do it with much effort.
• Life just isn't fair 99 percent of the time. Shitty things happen to truly good people, I am yet to understand that.
• This war makes me so angry inside too, but that's a whole other issue.
• When I feel that I talk for nothing, it brings me to desperation. Silence is like murder.
• Sometimes people you consider your friends show you way to often they aren't really your friend at all.
• My job feels like a dead end, though I don't know what to do about that yet.
• Dead ends suck period, I am hitting some.

Unfortunately I am sure there is more, believe it or not it feels good to write these down. I can sleep now, maybe even get a prayer in. Please, I know there are some people that read this that really do love me. (SEE I AM NOT TOTALLY NUTS, I COMPLETELY KNOW THIS) Don't ask, this blog is to make me realize things and be accountable to myself, that is all I am doing. I am fine. Plus, I think that many of you can even relate to some things up there. Sucks to "write" them down and be so analytical about them, but for me it just works, and it was the intention of this blog to start with. Besides, if I had to write a list of all the "good" things it would be much longer than that one.

In summary, only God and my kids can bring me total joy. I am thankful for that joy that simply can't be taken away by anyone or anything.

Also, my doctors appointment was supposed to be Wednesday but it got bumped up, so it is tomorrow!! I am so excited about that. I get to see my peanut on the screen. I get to see what all the commotion I feel in there is all about. I am anxious to see how the baby is growing, hopefully I get to hear that it is all going well in there. It is so scary to not know. The fun part is we get to know if it is a he or a she :). Great stuff.

Off I go to think about good things, like this awesome baby growing inside of me. This miracle that can only come from above! Can't wait to fill you all in tomorrow.

~Veronica