Vikki

I can't remember much of my childhood before I was 5. Just some tiny instances here and there. I remember being 4 1/2 years old. Mom woke me up in the middle of the night to say good bye to me and tell me that it was time to go to the hospital. She explained that I would meet the new baby the next day. I told her that I could not wait to meet my baby sister. For what seemed like the hundredth time she explained to me that it would probably be a brother. I was adamant it was a sister despite what the doctors had said. I knew she would be a girl. I was 4, I didn't really know, but I believed with all my heart. I was right, I helped name her Victoria.

We grew up together. We played hard, and fought harder. By the time we were preteens and well into the teen years, we were inseparable. There were some family issues when I was in high school, some nasty times came around. I became her protector. I tried to shield her from the hurt and deception, keep her heart as safe as I could, even though it seemed to her I was breaking it. Years later she understood and thanked me.

Through the years we built a huge bond. We became the best of friends, the best I ever had. I moved away, but we always spoke and visited. Neither of us ever missed anything in each others lives. I took her to shop for her prom dress. She was my maid of honor. She graduated high school and moved in with us. Vikki and I went to school together, worked together, lived together, cried and laughed, and grew -together.

When I got pregnant she was the second person to know, and she was there at my first OB appointment, and for nine months she was there, never missing a beat. She was my rock. My labor was 30 plus of hours of PAIN. No meds for well into 17 hours until I had to give up. Vikki cried, she tried to hide the tears, but I saw them. I couldn't tell her a thing, I couldn't tell her not to worry, I could barely breathe the contractions were so hard for so long. My heart broke at the site of her and me not being able to comfort her. She couldn't stand to see me that way, it was killing her. We both understood some how. She was there the entire time, until she had to get a sweater and some things...well she missed it. When she got back everyone had held Tyler, more tears. Talk about heart break.

Vikki was Tyler's everything for a long time. She stayed with John and I a few nights to help with a new born. When my milk came in she held my hand through it, and days later struggled to figure out a breast pump with me. She was his second mom. If she had not seen him in a week, she was over. Vikki always called, almost daily to check in on us.

By the time Gen came she was a pro. This time she went to the first ultra sound when I found out it was a girl, and this time she was in the delivery. That has some great stories in itself. Vikki now had two babies to spoil and love. Again she was always there.

Vikki and I planned all holidays and parties together. We shopped together and did all the things best friends do. We were able to talk to each other about everything and help each other through some great and hard times.

Tyler and Genesis love their Kiki more than anything. Vikki did everything with and for them. She adored those kids. Then something happened. She disappeared. Tyler asked why she didn't love him anymore, why did Kiki leave him.

When Bella was born, she didn't call the day before or the day of to wish me luck. (It was scheduled). On that day she didn't call to see how it went, or how the baby or I were. She never even visited. Not one call. Days later when she came around she was distraught to hear we almost lost her. What if's.

Now a days I am lucky if I talk to her once every two weeks. When we do talk it is because I called her. She doesn't call to talk to the kids. She never comes over just because or to see the kids. She lives about 11 minutes away, if that. When she does come it is because of an obligation. Other than that it is special occasions only.

I miss my sister. I am not sure where she went. I have a lot on me, I worry about a lot of things. If John and I were to die together all our assets and precious children go to her. She was the obvious choice. She loved them. She knew me better than anyone and would raise them the way that I would. I knew she would honor my wishes even when it would be tough on her. We asked her about this of course and she would expect nothing less. She accepted without batting an eye. Every detail she would abide to, signed her life away. I worried about that less then. Now that is a big worry again. I don't think I am so sure. Moreover, I worry about her. She is way up there in my list of worries. I know she is not herself, not happy, lost. I cant help, she wont let me in.

Sad part is I need her now more than ever too. Sadder part is that I realize what her burdens are and though she will not let me help her, I feel her. I understand her, she doesn't have to tell me. On my burdens though, she may know one, but that's it. She has no idea, she is clueless, I am alone.

Vikki has taught me a lot through the years. The last thing she taught me was to never put all you have into one relationship like that, not to count on one person so much. When they are gone if you don't have a back up plan it will be much harder to recover.

Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I am the clueless one. In my defense, I have asked, I have spoken my piece....over and over again. If I were in the wrong I would do all I could to fix it.

I need my sister and friend back. I miss her. I cry at the memories and have tried to move on. Poor John has had to come clean up after my melt downs. He has been great in her place, I think he realizes the emptiness sometimes. It's not the same though, and he knows it.

I love you little sis. I miss you so much. We promised to never end up like Mom and Ana. We never could imagine how they became the way that they are, oh well. Hope you are OK. ....................You will never know.........................You will never read this.