Standing in a Puddle

I have been trying to stay positive this week, but I have been less than successful. I think I am being spread quite thin and therefore just have a cloudy mind and I can't get much accomplished. I am being just mediocre these days. Mediocre mother, wife, housekeeper, employee, daughter, you name it, I am just not scoring any 10's. I can explain...

I cant get into the groove. I get home with the kids and they want to play but I have a million things to do. John has something almost every night so I am often on my own. I understand but it takes a toll. Last night the kids wanted to play out side, it was so pretty but they never did get a chance to. After dinner, they begged and I gave in, we went outside and at 8:00 PM my poor kids were catching snails (this is a past time of theirs, to collect bugs, yucky). Ty would get them, while Gen diligently held the flash light for him. The site was so cute I could cry, but also so heart wrenchingly pitiful that they couldn't do this thing at normal hours. I feel responsible and like I have failed them in some way. Sure, they got to play outside, in a very mediocre fashion. Yet, they took turns picking some flowers for me in their limited allotted time.

Tyler wants a play date with his best pal and damn if we don't even have a day available to do that. He is 4, yet his play date will have to be scheduled in our black berries and planner a friggen month later. He has a spring fling at school tomorrow, and with the best intentions I signed up to make something for his bake sale. At this point I have no idea how I will get anything made, short of staying up all night. I suppose it will be pre-made cookies I pop in the oven. What a cop out. Sure, the kids will not notice, but I know, and so will all the June Cleaver mommies. I am aware this sounds petty but I really feel awful that I am not really baking. Completely mediocre.

Genesis is the sensitive one. Seems like all I do with the kids is tell them to hurry. I am late in the mornings so I drop them off like a bat out of hell, though I always take the time to hug and say I love you, they want more than that. Especially Gen . So do I. This morning I had my regular work out....while running 15 minutes late, I make the first run into Mimi's house with all their bags and junk for the day. Next trip I take Isabella Grace in. Next run includes Tyler, and his snails. Next run Gen. Oh Genesis, Genesis. She wants to talk. Mommy you look pretty today she says, I snap back, thanks but come on I have to go. Mommy she says again, but I really like your make up ( I usually just sport earth tones but today I did have some springy like purple on my lids, no one will probably notice, but my Gen sure does) . Thanks I reply in a hurry. She is tangled in her little pink robe, her Care Bears blanket is stuck in the belt, takes me forever to pry her out. Finally we can go. Mommy, can you carry me? Of course. As I carry her in, she spills milk all over me. Great. I say crap, milk all over me, I run in to get it off. I am finally done, heading out the door, there she stands with those huge brown eyes and tears rolling down her cheeks. What did I do? I was hasty, took the rush out on them and my Gen takes the brunt of it all. I know my kids love me, but with her, I can FEEL it in my soul, and I hurt her feelings. I did because she thinks the milk was her fault. Now 20 minutes late because I have to say sorry and that it wasn't her fault, and how I was not mad at her. Are my words enough? Probably not. Mediocre.

I always complain that John doesn't talk to me enough. I mostly hate when I am doing what I call the nightly marathon. It includes letting them play for a bit, getting them ready for bed, feeding Bella, preparing the milk for the next day, along with all else for the next day, whew! I often do this alone, which is fine by me, I want to do it. I do it alone because he is usually working late, which I know he does for us, doing all this alone is not easy most times, it comes with the territory though I am well aware. Then he finally mosies on home, says hello to the kids, not much to me and I swear he hits the bed and he is out!! Meanwhile I am still running on adrenaline. Yet what do I do for him? Do I iron his clothes? Do I prepare his lunch? NO. Suppose we are both at fault, but my point is --- mediocre.

Now on to Bella. Poor thing. No tummy time. Not as many pictures of her as the others (though still a ton, I snap as much as I can), no Baby Einstein videos getting played for her. To top things off with all this stress, milk supply is getting low. Even with all my efforts. I mean I take up about 45 minutes of my day pumping at work and then she no longer needs a midnight feed, yet I still stay up, or wake up and pump that feed just to get enough milk stored for the week while she is at Mimi's. John did get me a supplement at Whole Foods though, lets see how it goes. I am still feeding her a lot myself too, but somehow, running on E. Mediocre.

At the end of most days though, when I feel like a failure, the kids usually find a way to leave me standing in a puddle of my own tears. They pick flowers, they tell me they love me, they hug me so tight. I couldn't sleep the other night (this is becoming a sad trend) so I was listening to my Ipod downstairs, down Ty crept and snuggled by me and said Mommy I know you want me in bed but can I just cuddle and listen with you. Gen will hold me and say, you are my sweetest prettiest mommy. It doesn't get any better than that. A child's love, now that is no where near mediocre. No matter how short I fall, they catch me, their love is what unconditional is all about.