How Do I Know Things Will Be OK?

This is how..........

John: I freakin love u
Me: Oh wow, I LOVE YOU TOO
Me: Really -- u "freakin" love me!?
John: Oh hell yeah
Me: Like u r super sure? No regrets 4 u & no worries 4 me?
John: No way....u are my complete package in every way
Me: That is music to my ears. DITTO. You are still my lobster. 4ever
John: Haha....luv that.....with claws and all
Me: With claws and all! BIG ONES! :)

.......The above were a series of text messages between John and I. I received the first one at 3:11 PM while I was at work yesterday afternoon. I wanted to document this in here so I can cherish it for as long as I would like to. Its the little things like these that keep me going. My heart is so happy.

The lobster reference is courtesy of John's favorite TV show "FRIENDS". I even had that (you will always be my lobster) engraved on the back of a necklace charm that I gave him for Christmas last year:

Phoebe: Hang in there. It's gonna happen!
Ross: Okay, now, how do you know that?
Phoebe: Because she's your lobster!
[At a loss, Ross looks at Chandler.]
Chandler: Oh, she's going somewhere.
Phoebe: Come on, you guys, it's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws…

Any other Friends fans out there?

Stormy Seas

Thanks so much to all of you who have called and emailed me asking me how we are doing since I haven't posted in some time. I really feel the love and it is greatly appreciated. Yes we are alive! Yes the kids had a great "snow" day, I will post some pics of that pretty soon!


Things could definitely be better around the Lara home these days! I was so happy to kick out 2008 but nothing could have prepared me for the January that 2009 has brought us.

I boasted that Tyler had no medical issues in 2008, and he didn't, but he made a trip to the ER (first one ever for Mr. Ty) last Wednesday night. Did I jinx him? He had been complaining of headaches for three days, by the time Wednesday came around he had a headache, a sore throat and a fever of about 105 that would not come down. We called the pediatrician and they nurse wanted us to rush him in because the symptoms could be those of menengitits. Luckily it wasn't anything that bad at all. They kept him there until his fever broke and sent him home with antibiotics at roughly 3 AM. His throat was so swollen that he couldn't eat much at all for a few days. He insisted on going to school on Friday, (I wonder how long this will last, if I ever had the opportunity to stay home I took it!) the teacher emailed and said that he was pretty lethargic but he did make it through the day. Now it is Monday, and he is doing much better.

The biggest of the bad news is the fact that John has been laid off. At first his boss said they had maybe twelve weeks before that would happen and that she would give them "plenty of notice", then like two days later it was maybe "thirty" days, then a week from that conversation "tomorrow" (which was last Friday) was his "last" day! All quite sudden might I add. He is pretty devastated at the turn of events and how things were handled, not to mention the impact of this on our family.

Major changes are going to have to take place and even then I am not sure how we will handle it all. I don't know how much longer I can afford to keep Genesis in school, well why go into it, the list will be long. It seems definite that he will not find the income needed anytime soon with today's slow economy, he will have to work two jobs at best, to try to make ends meet. That will mean that I will work basically 24/7 between work and then keeping up a house and three children with homework and needs and time demands. Heartbreakingly it will mean that John will have nearly NO time with the kids which I know is killing him. We understand that this is what has to get done, and he doesn't complain one but about having to, but it doesn't make it any easier. Do I get another job too? Do we sell a car? Sell our home? Go without health insurance? (not the kids of course). Only time will tell. It is all so scary.

There are two other HUGE things going on, but one doesn't even pertain entirely to me and I am not at liberty to mention. But the toll is huge and the burden is heavy. I have never felt this overwhelming amount of stress, sadness, or devastation. I thought I had felt all these emotions when I outlined my heart aches for 2008, but amazingly, in what has been just 3-4 weeks into 2009, this topples it all in leaps and bounds.

I haven't been eating, sleeping well, or talking, nothing, just worrying all month! I have to admit I tried to get drunk the other night, and well, I did but I also ended up crying uncontrollably from it, and John having to shelter me from the kids! It was horrible!! I guess it is true that the truth comes out when you are drunk!

People always tell me to be more positive, to look on the bright side etc. It always takes me a while, but I eventually come around. I am finally getting there, for example, yes my kid was in the ER, yes I went a whole night without sleep, but my baby got to come home, and was FINE in the end. Others are not this fortunate.

On the very bright side, I have realized through all of this that I do have some awesome friends. Some near, some far, but in their own way, they are all there for me. I have had endless offers for babysitting, friends willing to act like idiots with us to help us forget bad things, friends that are helping John find a job, all sorts of help out of nowhere that at times I don't feel I deserve.

How fortunate am I that in these times my job is going fine. I have people there that really care about us, that are willing to listen, help, or do whatever needs to get done, and this includes my boss. With Johns situation hitting so close to home, it saddens me the conditions others have to work in. The environments that are harbored at some places are ones I don't have to deal with. I have realized all the more how good I have it, possibly without really deserving it. I have been there 9 1/2 years and she (my boss) has guaranteed me job security. I can sleep at night.

I have a great caring support system in my family, they are all there for us to lend a helping hand.

God is good---all the time.

In the end I have to see this as a blessing. It is going to work out, and when it does I believe with all my heart that we are going to come out ahead. No matter how long it takes us. His job was a good one, one that for the most part he really liked (I mean he liked the job itself), but I can see that for John's overall well being, this has got to be for the best.

Most importantly I have amazing kids. Friends, I am sorry to bore you with their silly antics and ways, but you know what, they are so wonderful I cant help it. They are really, really good kids. They are healthy, smart, cute, loved, loving, snugly, naive, sweet, caring, and so much more. They are my joy. This whole situation is worse because I feel like we are letting them down in so many ways. It hurts more because they will feel the after math of this and I just want to protect them, I want to do right by them. I have come to the conclusion that I will do just that, in my own way, the best we know how.

Best of all, I have an incredible husband. John will come through for us, he always does. He never lets any of us down. EVER. I couldn't have asked for a better supporter, a better husband, a better friend, or a better father. He always puts us first. He gives very unselfishly and without restraint. He will not let this get him down. I am so proud of him. I wish he didn't have to take the brunt of all of our falls, but he does -- willingly. He is the first one to fall, but the first one up. He is also the one catching all of us.

Thank you John. We are going to be fine in time. I love you so much.

Wishing for Wows

My first WOW moment of 2009 just took place. WOWS come mainly from my kids. They WOW me all the time. Here we go..

Gen: Mama today Tyler screamed at me because I didn't color right in his coloring book, (eyes beginning to water), and I am just his baby sister! (very hurt look in her eyes)

Ty: No mama she is not a baby.

Me: Well you shouldn't scream at her for not coloring right because coloring is always right. And, she is and always will be your baby sister.

Gen: Really, I will?

Me: Yes, just like KiKi will always be my baby sister.

Gen: But then why is she as big as you?

Ty: Yeah Mama why?

Me: Well we all grow up, but that doesn't change the fact that she will always be my baby sister because she is younger.

Gen:But I will grow up and still be a baby? And still live in this house then?

Me: No Gen you will grow up and have your own house, and husband and maybe even kids, but you will still be his baby sis.

Gen: Good because I need to move from this house. (smiling and looking so relieved)

Me: Oh do you?

Gen: Yes because I don't like to always be doing what you all tell me to. (eyebrows crinkled)

Me: Is that right? (smiling big, trying to contain my chuckles, she was amazing me)

Gen: Yes Mama, I want to do whateveeeeeever I want one day when I grow up.

Me: OK but when you move away will you still love me?

Gen: Yes and I will call you eeeeeveryday, and even go see you (clapping her hands together while shrugging her shoulders)!

Me: Well good, but I will still tell you what to do.

Gen: Oh mommy (hugs me).

Ty: (with eyes full of tears) But, but then I never want to grow up, because I don't ever want to move without you and Dada.

Me: OK baby, you can stay as long as you would like to. Don't cry about that because don't forget that you can grow up and move away but you will still be my baby.

Ty: (grins) Oh OK Mama, and Nene will be my baby sister!!!

WOW!! OK, so my four year old wants to grow up and move ASAP so she doesn't have to abide by our rules. Are you freaking kidding me? She is already wishing this? No way! Holy crap I am scared as to what the teenage years will be with like with Miss Genesis. OK, scratch that, HOLY SHIT! Talk about WOW. Yet, I cant wait to see what will be, I am sure it will be WOW no matter what.

Then, can they be more different? My Tyler is scared to grow up. Timid, naive, so innocent. Tears at the thought that he too would have to move away. What a sweet boy he is, a sweet heart indeed. WOW, how I wish this would always hold true. Seemingly it will not. He will meet a girl that he will have to WOW one day, and then will he forget his foolish ways? WOW, I am scared to know, but that day too will come. Whatever that is, again another WOW.

My sweet Isabella, I cant wait to know where your WOWS will take us. Somewhere in between Ty and Gen would be pretty nice. What will come? WOW, I will get to know one more little tiny baby that develops into a real person right before my eyes, WOW. I will get to know her every move and detail all for myself, WOW.

Tonight I find myself wishing for WOWS. Whatever direction they may go, be it up or down. For if we are WOWING then we are living.....how awesome is that?

What makes you WOW?

The Good...The Bad....and the Hopefully not Ugly!!

Happy New Year Everyone! 2009.....wow, I feel so old...but only for a second. We welcomed 09 at our friend Nathan's at an Eighties themed party. We had such a great time! The outfits were crazy. I even busted out Madonna gloves and pink tights with leg warmers!

2008 in one word to me seemed.......stressfull.....a close second would be depressing.

A friend of ours, Tiffany, summed it up so well in her blog. Good to know I wasn't the only one.

The Good:

• health. everyone is pretty much healthy in our extended families and we are thankful for another year with them.......Gen had a perfect, yet long recovery to her traumatic event.....Bella's hip is seemingly well, (holding my breath, follow up is a week or so), I think her mouth is doing good as well! Tyler steered clear of trouble. sigh
• John and I had our 10 year anniversary! We are doing better than ever.
• Isabella is one. I think that's a triumph!! Oh, and no more pumping for me or money on formula!
• Tyler started Kindergarten!! Had a perfect report card too!
• Genesis began Private Preschool and is out of diapers completely, I mean she has been in panties for years now but I mean like even at night. $$$ I think pretty soon I will be contributing less to the Pampers corporation, can't believe we are now going on our 6th year straight of having that as a pretty hefty bill.
• we made some great new friends
• saw a lot of our families and old friends from Miami

The Bad......

• not complaining because again we are all healthy, but one too many visits to all sorts of doctors for me and my family. too many close calls
• a ton of car trouble...accidents....mechanical...all of it.......
• danced a bit with depression, and failure ..could totally have done without that
• realized that I really cant do it all..SURPRISE.....lots of things suffered...ended up doing it all..just poorly -- at best
• have never had a more tiresome year
• John's income took a hit......feeling lots of effect
• our economy, wars and foreign affairs
• life with out my sister

Hopefully this will not turn out ugly.....

• I want to spend more time with the kids. I am learning how to cut corners in other areas to make room for that.
• Will take time for myself.
• Will make time for my friends.
• Continue to grow closer with and to John. Gets better every year, I am stoked.
• See Gen off to Kindergarten in 2009, and that she will finally be emotionally ready for that.
• Ty will be in First Grade. Are you sure this is supposed to be easier on me than it was last year?
• Family Vacation.
• Take back Thanksgiving. I miss hosting this one.
• Getting our crazy schedules to run a little smoother.
• Spend time with Isabella in a way that I am reminded that she is only this little for such a short while, I don't want to miss a thing.
• Drink more water and make healthier food choices.
• Get a Mammogram.
• Bust the Wii Fit out
• Take a Yoga class.

Good Luck Friends!!