Stormy Seas

Thanks so much to all of you who have called and emailed me asking me how we are doing since I haven't posted in some time. I really feel the love and it is greatly appreciated. Yes we are alive! Yes the kids had a great "snow" day, I will post some pics of that pretty soon!


Things could definitely be better around the Lara home these days! I was so happy to kick out 2008 but nothing could have prepared me for the January that 2009 has brought us.

I boasted that Tyler had no medical issues in 2008, and he didn't, but he made a trip to the ER (first one ever for Mr. Ty) last Wednesday night. Did I jinx him? He had been complaining of headaches for three days, by the time Wednesday came around he had a headache, a sore throat and a fever of about 105 that would not come down. We called the pediatrician and they nurse wanted us to rush him in because the symptoms could be those of menengitits. Luckily it wasn't anything that bad at all. They kept him there until his fever broke and sent him home with antibiotics at roughly 3 AM. His throat was so swollen that he couldn't eat much at all for a few days. He insisted on going to school on Friday, (I wonder how long this will last, if I ever had the opportunity to stay home I took it!) the teacher emailed and said that he was pretty lethargic but he did make it through the day. Now it is Monday, and he is doing much better.

The biggest of the bad news is the fact that John has been laid off. At first his boss said they had maybe twelve weeks before that would happen and that she would give them "plenty of notice", then like two days later it was maybe "thirty" days, then a week from that conversation "tomorrow" (which was last Friday) was his "last" day! All quite sudden might I add. He is pretty devastated at the turn of events and how things were handled, not to mention the impact of this on our family.

Major changes are going to have to take place and even then I am not sure how we will handle it all. I don't know how much longer I can afford to keep Genesis in school, well why go into it, the list will be long. It seems definite that he will not find the income needed anytime soon with today's slow economy, he will have to work two jobs at best, to try to make ends meet. That will mean that I will work basically 24/7 between work and then keeping up a house and three children with homework and needs and time demands. Heartbreakingly it will mean that John will have nearly NO time with the kids which I know is killing him. We understand that this is what has to get done, and he doesn't complain one but about having to, but it doesn't make it any easier. Do I get another job too? Do we sell a car? Sell our home? Go without health insurance? (not the kids of course). Only time will tell. It is all so scary.

There are two other HUGE things going on, but one doesn't even pertain entirely to me and I am not at liberty to mention. But the toll is huge and the burden is heavy. I have never felt this overwhelming amount of stress, sadness, or devastation. I thought I had felt all these emotions when I outlined my heart aches for 2008, but amazingly, in what has been just 3-4 weeks into 2009, this topples it all in leaps and bounds.

I haven't been eating, sleeping well, or talking, nothing, just worrying all month! I have to admit I tried to get drunk the other night, and well, I did but I also ended up crying uncontrollably from it, and John having to shelter me from the kids! It was horrible!! I guess it is true that the truth comes out when you are drunk!

People always tell me to be more positive, to look on the bright side etc. It always takes me a while, but I eventually come around. I am finally getting there, for example, yes my kid was in the ER, yes I went a whole night without sleep, but my baby got to come home, and was FINE in the end. Others are not this fortunate.

On the very bright side, I have realized through all of this that I do have some awesome friends. Some near, some far, but in their own way, they are all there for me. I have had endless offers for babysitting, friends willing to act like idiots with us to help us forget bad things, friends that are helping John find a job, all sorts of help out of nowhere that at times I don't feel I deserve.

How fortunate am I that in these times my job is going fine. I have people there that really care about us, that are willing to listen, help, or do whatever needs to get done, and this includes my boss. With Johns situation hitting so close to home, it saddens me the conditions others have to work in. The environments that are harbored at some places are ones I don't have to deal with. I have realized all the more how good I have it, possibly without really deserving it. I have been there 9 1/2 years and she (my boss) has guaranteed me job security. I can sleep at night.

I have a great caring support system in my family, they are all there for us to lend a helping hand.

God is good---all the time.

In the end I have to see this as a blessing. It is going to work out, and when it does I believe with all my heart that we are going to come out ahead. No matter how long it takes us. His job was a good one, one that for the most part he really liked (I mean he liked the job itself), but I can see that for John's overall well being, this has got to be for the best.

Most importantly I have amazing kids. Friends, I am sorry to bore you with their silly antics and ways, but you know what, they are so wonderful I cant help it. They are really, really good kids. They are healthy, smart, cute, loved, loving, snugly, naive, sweet, caring, and so much more. They are my joy. This whole situation is worse because I feel like we are letting them down in so many ways. It hurts more because they will feel the after math of this and I just want to protect them, I want to do right by them. I have come to the conclusion that I will do just that, in my own way, the best we know how.

Best of all, I have an incredible husband. John will come through for us, he always does. He never lets any of us down. EVER. I couldn't have asked for a better supporter, a better husband, a better friend, or a better father. He always puts us first. He gives very unselfishly and without restraint. He will not let this get him down. I am so proud of him. I wish he didn't have to take the brunt of all of our falls, but he does -- willingly. He is the first one to fall, but the first one up. He is also the one catching all of us.

Thank you John. We are going to be fine in time. I love you so much.