One of Those Days

I miss my kids today. There was a beautiful snow falling this morning when John had to scoop them out of their warm bed and drop them off at their Grandma's. I know it is better than day care and I am so lucky, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't make me feel any better. The truth is that Grandma is not Mama, that's all. I am selfish and greedy and want them all for myself. I would have given just about anything to stay with them today, play in the snow with them, and then make them some hot chocolate.

We could have spent the afternoon playing that board game I promised to play with them a week ago. We could talk and nap, color or bake. We can have Koda Brown's first birthday party that we have yet to celebrate (we bought him doggie bones, and toys, and a birthday hat, I just haven't had the "time"to get to it), I could help Tyler with the science experiments he has been dying to try, and help Genesis bling out her journal. I am sure Bella would love to open her last couple of Christmas gifts she hasn't even gotten to yet.

I am at work. Working for them--holding my heart in its place until I can see them again. Which all I will do is boss them around when I get to them anyway. My few hours with them sound like this............ "Take a bath." "Brush your teeth.", "Pick these things up" "Time for bed" and then poof, day is over.

A friends status today on Facebook: "...............misses the peanut today. I don't know how moms who work full time do it. Hats off to you ladies!!!"
Well----DISLIKE!
Sweet status, I see what she means. She means well and is happy to spend some off time with her child. We all are. For the Mom's who do not have a choice but to work, we understand the amount of sacrifices that come with it. For the Mom's who can stay with their kids, please, please, please, make every second count, for all of us. But in the mood I am in today, what I really want to say is....keep your hat on, you don't know how we do it, because we really don't. We have to fake it.

Yes, I know this is not neccesarily true. No, I dont think we fake it, I just sometimes feel like it. I do it, all of it, and I am tired and I am broken because on days like this, I feel guilty, I want to be home with my kids. Concentrating on being an even more fabulous Mom. That is after all, all I ever wanted to do. I just cant do it the way I would have liked to.

OK, OK, I am talking shit bc I am having a super bad day, and cursing like a sailor. I can see that. Of course we working Mom's do it, we are fucking awesome. Aren't we? I guess I will just have to reflect on this when my heart isn't so heavy. Whether we work or not, being a Mom is the hardest "job" out there, but the rewards are immeasurable. Work hard, play hard, love your kids, and in the end, we will have the same product. I have to believe that.

Back to work, lunch is over.

Sharing the Bed

That's right, share your bed, and I refer to sharing it with your children. I am not going to get into a discussion about a Family Bed, or "Ferberizing" your child. I mean this in the simplest of ways, sleep with your child. Maybe not every day, but every once in a while, just do it. What is it all about anyway? I bet you are thinking I have lost my mind. This however is me at my clearest. I love sleeping with my kids.

For me it is about holding Tyler all night, and it seems like I do not have many of those nights left. He is so big now, when we lay together he always faces me, and our feet touch, he is getting so tall. It is about the way he puts is hand up my T-shirt sleeve and rubs my arm until he falls asleep. When he was smaller, since he was a baby, that is the only way he would fall asleep. He would say "arm, arm" as he asked for it. Now he only does it every now and then, not an every day thing, but when he does, I want to stay with him all night and remember when. Just holding him, feeling the softness of his skin.

It is about seamlessly cuddling with Genesis, the way our bodies fit perfectly together like two pieces of an interlocking puzzle. It is the perfect fit, every limb intertwined in one way or another. Amazingly, it feels good, really good, and not the least bit uncomfortable. It is about me playing with her long hair as she sleeps peacefully in my arms. A bonus is when she whispers " I love you Mama" in her sleep.

It is about cradling Isabella's body next to me. She is so small compared to the other two. It is about how she likes to hold your hand when she is sleepy, her tiny hand in mine melts my heart. Her other hand goes up and rubs my ear. Another habit that is annoying at times, but now that I know it is a phase that will be outgrown like Tyler's, I gladly take my earrings off and let her fall peacefully asleep. Her little face up by mine, one hand holding mine, the other one rubbing my ear.

It is about holding a sick child all night so that you can make sure they are OK. It is about sleeping with your baby because they nurse in another hour and you have to work in the morning, might as well keep them. It is about not only praying for your baby, but literally praying over them as they sleep. It is about reading them a bedtime story and not being able to leave them when you say "the end". Better yet, it is about reading them a book and falling asleep before they do and staying with them all night. It is about sleeping with your new born, just because you feel obsessed about making sure they are breathing, and this is a sure fire way to watch them all night. It is about having a bad day and having them take all your worries away with a good nights rest. It is about enjoying them now, because pretty soon sleeping with Mommy will be a thing of the past. It is about waking up with a sore arm because your 6 year old laid on it all night and you chose not to disturb him. It is about holding your baby in your arm and with the other reaching over and gently touching John's fingers across the bed and thinking about how we together made this other little person, and to think it all started with one touch. It is about bonding with them. It is about both of you feeling so safe, and sometimes we all just need that don't we? It is about the innocence as they are peacefully sleeping. It is about their face being the first thing you see in the morning.

Yes kids need their independence. They need to self soothe. They need to sleep in their own beds to get a restful nights sleep. We need to wean kids off pacifiers and bottles, and we need to potty train them and everything else that comes with training a little person. I am not going to make sleeping with me one of those things that is just not allowed. Another habit that I have to not let them form. John and I both love it. If Ty, Gen or Bella wants to sleep with us, it is OK. I wonder if when they are in high school they will hate it if I sneak into their room for a cuddle? Since they very well might, I will take advantage of the beauty of it now--and it is beautiful.

Parents, if you haven't slept with your child in over two months, it is time to get a cuddle session in. They will love it, and you will not be sorry.