My Notebook: October 2009

Dear Rainbows,

I have searched high and low for you, and have no idea where you can be. I thought an ad may be a great way to find just what I am looking for.

I am a size 6, with cute toes, usually painted just so. I would enjoy a long walk with you this evening. You are also about a size 6, but a size Small is what I think you prefer to be called. You have a beautiful dark chocolate color to you and a double arch which is quite smooth. I am very lonely without you.

It is Fall now, and I would really like to see a Rainbow right about now. I love the Fall as you know, and we did everything together this time of year. Most people use you in the Spring and Summer, but we partied all year, with the exception of maybe sometime in December and January. Was I not good enough for you?

Your sisters are still with me. They are pink and sweet, but getting tired and old. I miss the ability to have a Rainbow that matches with everything, and were even practically new. Your sisters enjoy the attention but are seriously missing you as well. Your spot in the room you shared with them is waiting for you.

Did you leave me for another? Did I upset you? Or do you think I left you? Are you somewhere alone and scared wondering where I am? Did someone steal you from one of our adventures together? Did I leave you stranded?

Wherever you are, I miss you! My feet miss you! My sweatshirt and jeans miss you! I will not give up the search. I will search high and low until I find that pot of gold at the end of the Rainbows!

Desperately Seeking Rainbows,
Veronica

PS In case my "old man" is reading this and thinking of a replacement.....I like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, sorry I like Yoga, making love at midnight on the dunes sounds great, and I have half a brain. So find me the perfect Rainbow please. The perfect pair of Rainbow Flippy Floppies!! Anything short of a little desperate??

Love,
Veronica

I am a slacker Blogger as of late. My extra time has been spent with my husband sipping adult beverages and catching up on us. With my kids picking Halloween costumes, decorating for Fall, and visiting Pumpkin Patches. It has been a busy but fun month. I LOVE FALL!!! Of course on "my" time I have been sipping those yummy Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks. I bought a very cute planner at the kids' book fair at Barnes and Nobles which I am in love with, and an even cuter Vera Bradley Coupon Organizer thing. The trick will be seeing if their cuteness entices me to use them. God knows I have to, keeping up with all of our appointments and school activities etc is getting to be quite the challenge in the Lara household. Anyhow, that is my recap in a nutshell.

In some amazing news, on September 21st I was able to see my niece Sophia Elizabeth, come into this world. My sister allowed me the honor to participate in the birth and it was an amazing experience. I will be honest, I was thinking a lot of things, which I am not sure if I should share, but I will anyway. Here are some of the voices in my head that night while I was witness to this incredible experience....(Vikki went in the to hospital at about 1am on September 21st, a Monday after laboring at home on and off on Sunday, and she was born at 7:07 AM)

Wow, this is the first time I see my sister naked down south, this is so weird.
OK, this is my little bratty sister, why isn't she screaming and yelling and falling apart on that bed? Bitch.
What the hell is that? Oh My God, wait, that was me on that bed just two years ago....and then three years before that, and wait, only one year before that. Shit, I did this three times? In front of John and a male doctor? This can not be good. Shit, shit, shit.
"You are going to break her water?" OK doc go right ahead, I am sleepy and I know when that water breaks there will be a baby a peaking. Break it, go on, do it. Oh no, wrong again, I should have turned around. That is some dirty water. Lots of it. The baby swims in that?
Did you just poop?
Nurse says "look at all this hair, take a look Auntie". I look and out loud say, "wait is that Vikki's or the baby's?" My bad, had I really done this three times? It surely wasn't evident.
Aw, my little sister is so brave. She is engaging in conversation while a head peaks out of her girl. Now she is strong.
"Tata" she says with sad eyes. "Yeah" I mumble. "The epidural really isn't working right now, at least not anymore." I respond, "I bet honey, when it is time, nothing works anymore." I am really thinking: "I mean you should see the size of that thing coming out of there, ain't nothing going to make you feel better."
I become a better coach all of a sudden thinking of my own miracles..."Vikki, listen to me, don't lose it, you have done so well....." "Nothing will feel good now, that is until you get to hold your beautiful daughter in just a little while" She tears up. I tear up. She breathes through a contraction, and looks at me as if saying, all right, game on. Same glare she had in her eyes as a kid when we were competing in a sport or a shopping spree (those shoes are mine bitch kind of look, come on you know the one) And it was on. Her Mommy Game was in full force, that game face of hers, UNBREAKABLE! I knew it would be time.
About 15 minutes later, not even, Sophia made her entrance into this world. Vikki didn't have to push much, but when she did, she gave it her all. She is sometimes laid back and lazy by nature, I think that was an asset in this case. In her little mind she must have been like, "well, don't expect me to do this much longer, it is now or never". And she was off. Efficiently pushing life out of her body. No cursing, just concentration. I held her leg and she gave it all she had. Then there appeared this tiny little wet body that I instantly loved, and then her Mommy looking at her so proud and relieved. It was miraculous and beautiful. I cried as I watched, and was shaking as I reached for the camera. She was so beautiful. Her and her Mommy both were at that very moment.

When Sophi arrived, I couldn't believe that although she wasn't my child, it was like if she was. I love her so much more than I thought I could. Maybe it was because I was there, maybe it was because Vikki and I are finally restoring our relationship and someone was looking out for us because I was there when it counted. I didn't miss this in her life. She was there for my first two births and we always talked about this day. There I was, there she was, and we aren't kids anymore just talking about it, so incredibly surreal.

Vikki gazed at her daughter for the first time, and it was so amazing to watch. Then the voice was back in my head, but now it was more forgiving. Now it reminded me:

Of the tears in Johns eyes when he couldn't help me push, he wasn't looking at the nasty stuff, and if he was he didn't let me know it, but I knew that if he could do it for me, he totally would. How hard it must be for him to watch. Until helping Vikki, I never had this perspective.
Reminded me what a full circle moment that must be for my Mom, to see her baby have her own baby. How crazy is that?
I was reminded how for those hours, time stands completely still. The pain is unbearable but it doesn't matter. The worry is so great you can't even think, the reward so big you can't even begin to fathom it. Seriously, it is an elation of "nothing else matters". We are exactly where we are supposed to be for one of the few times in life. I remember pushing. Each time. Each time different. None of them easy. All of them the best me I ever put forward. Every time. Vikki put her best her forward too. I am so very proud of her.
I realized how much harder it was to be on the "side" of the bed, rather than the one "on" the bed, enduring the events that took place. I wasn't going to stand there and say " I know it hurts", or "wait til this happens", or anything like that. So I stood there, wishing I could take her pain away. It was so hard to see her go through such feelings.

That's when the voice in my head got too loud, and I could have really cried out loud, but I didn't. I have said before how I remember the births of my children, and I do, but there is something about that first time. Vikki was going through that. I remember hearing Tyler cry. I remember his Daddy's face, so proud and in awe. I remember my Mommy's face. I remember trying to check him out. I could not believe that he was living inside of me. No way I got him out! But I did, just like she did, and as they say, the rest is history.

I hugged my kids tight that night. Enjoyed the smell of a newborn. Watched a living miracle right before my eyes. Listened to that beautiful new healthy cry. The one every parent wants to hear for affirmation all is well. Thought about how some parents heartbreakingly do not get to hear it. Thought about what it means to be a Mother. Thought about this unmeasurable miracle. Thought about how awesome it is to be a woman. September 21st was a good day. One that I will never forget.

Her initials are S.E.T. The advice I gave my sister that night was : "Ready or not here she comes little sis, ready, SET, go!" And to my beautiful niece I say, "Ready, SET, Go Sophia! The world is yours."

Welcome to the world Niecey Noodle.

We love you so much

Sophia Elizabeth Tollefsen!!