One of Those Days

I miss my kids today. There was a beautiful snow falling this morning when John had to scoop them out of their warm bed and drop them off at their Grandma's. I know it is better than day care and I am so lucky, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't make me feel any better. The truth is that Grandma is not Mama, that's all. I am selfish and greedy and want them all for myself. I would have given just about anything to stay with them today, play in the snow with them, and then make them some hot chocolate.

We could have spent the afternoon playing that board game I promised to play with them a week ago. We could talk and nap, color or bake. We can have Koda Brown's first birthday party that we have yet to celebrate (we bought him doggie bones, and toys, and a birthday hat, I just haven't had the "time"to get to it), I could help Tyler with the science experiments he has been dying to try, and help Genesis bling out her journal. I am sure Bella would love to open her last couple of Christmas gifts she hasn't even gotten to yet.

I am at work. Working for them--holding my heart in its place until I can see them again. Which all I will do is boss them around when I get to them anyway. My few hours with them sound like this............ "Take a bath." "Brush your teeth.", "Pick these things up" "Time for bed" and then poof, day is over.

A friends status today on Facebook: "...............misses the peanut today. I don't know how moms who work full time do it. Hats off to you ladies!!!"
Well----DISLIKE!
Sweet status, I see what she means. She means well and is happy to spend some off time with her child. We all are. For the Mom's who do not have a choice but to work, we understand the amount of sacrifices that come with it. For the Mom's who can stay with their kids, please, please, please, make every second count, for all of us. But in the mood I am in today, what I really want to say is....keep your hat on, you don't know how we do it, because we really don't. We have to fake it.

Yes, I know this is not neccesarily true. No, I dont think we fake it, I just sometimes feel like it. I do it, all of it, and I am tired and I am broken because on days like this, I feel guilty, I want to be home with my kids. Concentrating on being an even more fabulous Mom. That is after all, all I ever wanted to do. I just cant do it the way I would have liked to.

OK, OK, I am talking shit bc I am having a super bad day, and cursing like a sailor. I can see that. Of course we working Mom's do it, we are fucking awesome. Aren't we? I guess I will just have to reflect on this when my heart isn't so heavy. Whether we work or not, being a Mom is the hardest "job" out there, but the rewards are immeasurable. Work hard, play hard, love your kids, and in the end, we will have the same product. I have to believe that.

Back to work, lunch is over.

Sharing the Bed

That's right, share your bed, and I refer to sharing it with your children. I am not going to get into a discussion about a Family Bed, or "Ferberizing" your child. I mean this in the simplest of ways, sleep with your child. Maybe not every day, but every once in a while, just do it. What is it all about anyway? I bet you are thinking I have lost my mind. This however is me at my clearest. I love sleeping with my kids.

For me it is about holding Tyler all night, and it seems like I do not have many of those nights left. He is so big now, when we lay together he always faces me, and our feet touch, he is getting so tall. It is about the way he puts is hand up my T-shirt sleeve and rubs my arm until he falls asleep. When he was smaller, since he was a baby, that is the only way he would fall asleep. He would say "arm, arm" as he asked for it. Now he only does it every now and then, not an every day thing, but when he does, I want to stay with him all night and remember when. Just holding him, feeling the softness of his skin.

It is about seamlessly cuddling with Genesis, the way our bodies fit perfectly together like two pieces of an interlocking puzzle. It is the perfect fit, every limb intertwined in one way or another. Amazingly, it feels good, really good, and not the least bit uncomfortable. It is about me playing with her long hair as she sleeps peacefully in my arms. A bonus is when she whispers " I love you Mama" in her sleep.

It is about cradling Isabella's body next to me. She is so small compared to the other two. It is about how she likes to hold your hand when she is sleepy, her tiny hand in mine melts my heart. Her other hand goes up and rubs my ear. Another habit that is annoying at times, but now that I know it is a phase that will be outgrown like Tyler's, I gladly take my earrings off and let her fall peacefully asleep. Her little face up by mine, one hand holding mine, the other one rubbing my ear.

It is about holding a sick child all night so that you can make sure they are OK. It is about sleeping with your baby because they nurse in another hour and you have to work in the morning, might as well keep them. It is about not only praying for your baby, but literally praying over them as they sleep. It is about reading them a bedtime story and not being able to leave them when you say "the end". Better yet, it is about reading them a book and falling asleep before they do and staying with them all night. It is about sleeping with your new born, just because you feel obsessed about making sure they are breathing, and this is a sure fire way to watch them all night. It is about having a bad day and having them take all your worries away with a good nights rest. It is about enjoying them now, because pretty soon sleeping with Mommy will be a thing of the past. It is about waking up with a sore arm because your 6 year old laid on it all night and you chose not to disturb him. It is about holding your baby in your arm and with the other reaching over and gently touching John's fingers across the bed and thinking about how we together made this other little person, and to think it all started with one touch. It is about bonding with them. It is about both of you feeling so safe, and sometimes we all just need that don't we? It is about the innocence as they are peacefully sleeping. It is about their face being the first thing you see in the morning.

Yes kids need their independence. They need to self soothe. They need to sleep in their own beds to get a restful nights sleep. We need to wean kids off pacifiers and bottles, and we need to potty train them and everything else that comes with training a little person. I am not going to make sleeping with me one of those things that is just not allowed. Another habit that I have to not let them form. John and I both love it. If Ty, Gen or Bella wants to sleep with us, it is OK. I wonder if when they are in high school they will hate it if I sneak into their room for a cuddle? Since they very well might, I will take advantage of the beauty of it now--and it is beautiful.

Parents, if you haven't slept with your child in over two months, it is time to get a cuddle session in. They will love it, and you will not be sorry.

A Survey.....

Rachel posted a survey, and it looked interesting, one that makes you think.....so courtesy of Miss DeFazio....here I go....

1. My grandpa once: told me to always turn the other cheek, and be the better person. Sounded silly when I was 12, but I grew to understand what he meant. He was right.

2. Never in my life have I: loved anyone as much as I now love my husband and kids.

3. When I was younger, I: was a typical girl that loved to play school and dreamt of marrying a Prince.

4. High school was: the time of my life.

5.When I'm nervous: I smile a lot, and I get a red hot neck and face.

6. The last time I really cried was: just a few weeks ago.

7. If I were to get married right now: then it must mean that J and I are renewing our vows!

8. My hair is: different ever since I had the kids.

9. My feet are: one of my favorite things because they keep all my favorite shoes on, get to sink their toes in the sand, walk barefoot in freshly cut grass, and play footsie with my kids and hubby.

10. When I was 5: my Mom was my hero.

11. Last Christmas: was a special one because Mimi was here for it and because Christmas is always so special with little ones.

12. When I turn my head left: um OK..I see a very cool writing sample that Tyler did in school last year that always makes my day, a picture of Rachel and I, one of my sis and I, and lots of the kids on my peg board at work.

13. When I turn my head right: more pictures on my file cabinet, windows, and Rachel!

14. My life is not complete without: the people I love in it.

15. By this time next year: I hope things are different.

16. I have a hard time understanding: this crazy war, why people can be so hard on each other. We are all human after all aren't we? Alas, is this the problem? Sigh.

17. One time at a family gathering: this one could go on forever. There was the one time my uncle fell in the burning charcoal, the time I peed my pants from laughing so hard, the time my Mom got so drunk she begged me to go to the bathroom with her to help her splash water on her face ( I was a teen, it was very amusing) so she wouldn't fall over.

18. Take my advice: always tell the truth.

19. My ideal breakfast is: the one that you eat at about 11am on a Sunday.

20. If you visit my hometown: make sure to hit the beach, go to Versailles or La Carreta for dinner, and pick up some pastelitos and a cortadito! YUMMY!

21. My friends are: AWESOME!

22. If you spend the night at my house: bring extra blankets, and be prepared to be woken up by little feet bright and early!

23. I would stop my wedding if: well I didn't stop it when my in laws brought a DOG as a wedding gift to the actual wedding and our best man was told to lose the rings......so I think someone would have to be dying, or one of us got cold feet.

24. The world could do without: a lot of things, but we just have to make the best of what we have and take care of what is left of it.

25. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the belly of a frog, but both are highly unlikely unless there are major dollar signs attached to it.

26. The most recent thing I've bought myself is: nothing. I shop for others, i.e, my kids and hubby, and J shops for me, it's a giving tree, always a win!

27. And, by the way: if I do buy something for myself, it is usually a pair of shoes.

28. The last time I was high: High? On what?

29. In the past I shouldn't have been: so trusting and careless.

30. Once, at a bar/club: I danced all night, lost one of my favorite earrings, and broke one of my heels. It was a GREAT night.

31. Last night, I: was feeling sick and came home and had a nap.

32. If I didn't have any obligations tomorrow: I would have a girl day. Read, snuggle in some blankets, watch movies, sip coffee, and do my nails.

33. A better name for me would be: Veronica. It is my name. My Mom gave it to me. My grandpa helped pick it because he loved Veronica Lake. I would not change it, but I do dislike it.

34. In the last 6 months: life has not been an easy ride, but I have done a lot of learning, and that is irreplaceable.

35. If I ever go back to school: I would get a Teaching degree.

36. I bet you didn't know: that I would love to have another baby.

37. I am: very tired.

38. I read: but not enough. Mainly just blogs and on-line news.

39. Every birthday: I am thankful for another year but not happy about the number attached to it.

40. I regret: that I didn't back pack Europe when I was younger. Other than that, I think I have decided to never look back.

When Life Throws You Avocados...

......MAKE GUACAMOLE!!!.......

Who knew that playing with avocados could be so much fun!? Here are my best buds and I playing with our food one day.......

* No he didn't really bite into that.

* Before the avocado suffered its demise.


* Bye Bye avocado......



* The big brown eyes that take my breath away.


* One of my favorite photos ever. You can feel the love just by looking at it!!!

REFOCUS

Happy 2010 everybody! I am giving 2010 a theme for myself, I will simply focus on REFOCUSING. In all I do I will to try to take the task at hand and then refocus on it and decide where my efforts should actually lie. What is actually meaningful here? What is important? I often find that with a full plate sometimes I waste time on something that seems important at the time, but in hindsight it didn't make a difference in my life or the lives of others.

I plan to REFOCUS on:

• Only whats important, mainly family.
• What I should spend my money on.
• How I should spend my few extra minutes.
• What is important to my kids. Refocusing is very important with them, because in the end all these little people want is time with me. So I have to make more quality time for them. Buying them a toy or whatever is just a momentary fix. In the end there is a lot more to their happiness and enrichment.
• Organizing. Not so much redoing and revamping, but just refocusing my home and office and life.
• Being a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, grand daughter and sister.
• Reading. I miserably fail at this one!
• ME!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!